All My Children

Some schools have a policy of placing twins in separate classes, others feel that whatever the relationship between twins, they should always be together. Most leave it up to the parents.

This may be the most important decision that parents make. Often otherwise trouble-free twins may have problems at school caused by unequal ability, unequal division by the twins of educational tasks, language difficulties and unequal teaching, to name but a few.

Sometimes there is no choice, particularly at first schools where there may only be a single form entry. Continue Reading »

The ‘plus’ in ‘five-plus’ probably stands for ‘at last I’ve got a bit of time to myself!’

Twins are expensive, no hand-me-downs and two of everything, so mothers may now start to look for a part-time job if they have not already found one. Not only does this help the household budget but it also offers the opportunity to spend some time with adults to whom they are not ‘the twins‘ mother‘. It’s unlikely that colleagues will be left in ignorance for long!

If there are no younger children, the absence of the twins can feel very strange at first. Parents who have been waiting longingly for the first day of school may find themselves waiting equally anxiously for school to finish at the end of the day. Continue Reading »

One of our twins is much less clever than the other but it wasn’t until they started school that it really showed. The teachers have kept them together in the same group so that the brighter twin can help the other one, but it is holding her back and not really helping her sister to stand on her own feet.

Separate classes and possibly separate schools may be the best answer. One may move ahead of the other and they will probably quite happily accept the situation if they can make their own friends at their own level. It will make it easier for you to praise them both when they do well, without any comparison with their twin. Continue Reading »

This section should not finish without a thought for the older brother or sister of twins.

If there is a very positive relationship between the older child and the twins, there may well be no problem. The older child may be proud of having ‘his’ twins at school and show them off to his friends, or he may lead a completely independent life.

However there are some children, particularly those who are close in age to the twins, who may feel overshadowed. Some twins report back to the parents when the older child misbehaves, so that he feels as if he’s being constantly watched. Even though parents may sometimes find these reports useful, they should be discouraged, as with reports about the other twin. The older child is entitled to his privacy. Continue Reading »

Twins, like other children, need to be encouraged to help with household tasks. They may make double the work, but they can also be double the help. It may often seem quicker to do it yourself when twins of any age are learning a new task, but this is a shortsighted policy and can lead to the labelling of twins as unhelpful.

If a child is encouraged to help he may well put more effort into the task than the parent: shining taps, for example. The six-yearold making jam tarts may turn into the teenager who gives the parent a rest from making dinner.

If twins learn that parents will always do things for them, they may not learn to do things for themselves, or for parents, and they will find it difficult to take responsibility and grow up. Continue Reading »

Children of all ages need to know their own family rules and what to expect if they forget them.

Perhaps the most important rule for every child is that he must tell his parents where he is going, who he is going to play with and if there is any change of plan. Parents knowing where their children are means security for children and peace of mind for parents.

When parents are angry they can often threaten punishments that are difficult to carry out. For example, if a child has failed to tell his parents that he’s going to a friend’s house after school, he may be told that he will not be allowed out after school for a whole week. After two or three days the child may have become so bored and irritable, and is making life so impossible for his parents, that they give in and the child goes out to play. Once parents have given in, children become more powerful. They have found out that they can make their parents change their minds. When they are twins, the pressure is greater. Continue Reading »

Not only can we feel guilty if we don’t love them equally, but also if they don’t achieve equally.

When there is a difference in age, differences in ability or achievement can be accepted more easily. If it’s the younger child who has a particular skill, the older one may still be ahead because of his years. On the other hand, the older child’s interests and seniority may make comparisons less likely. In the last resort parents may say, ‘Well, they’re two individual children and they have to accept their differences.’ This is not to say that it won’t cause problems; it may still do so. Continue Reading »

Twins in this age group generally play well together, but most twins have disagreements, at least occasionally. Those who have learned that parents will willingly involve themselves in their battles and that complaints against their twin will be instantly investigated are less likely to sort out their problems for themselves. Like all brothers and sisters, they need to find their own pecking order. In any case it can be difficult to tell who struck the first blow, either physically or verbally.

When parents have to step in because of something that the twins have done, such as throwing a ball through a window, both twins may deny responsibility. It’s possible that one twin may have encouraged the other, rather like hiring a hit man. He may prefer to play safe himself, but is delighted to live through the more adventurous twin. Continue Reading »

One of my twin boys is always arguing with me. Whatever I say, he always has an answer.

He may have found a way of getting your attention. Refuse to be drawn into arguments. If he disagrees with you, say that you’re sorry but you don’t intend to have a discussion, and remain firm.. Bids for individual attention are quite usual, but try to make sure that they each have some time when they can talk to you on your own. Have some separate outings, even if it’s only to the local shops.

One of our twins is much more sensitive than his brother and is easily upset. We find that we are letting him get away with a lot more because if we tell him off he reacts badly. Continue Reading »

Separating from parents

Twins tend to retain a childlike quality for rather longer than single youngsters. Perhaps this is because they have shared their childhood with someone else and it is less easy to leave it behind, but it may also be due to the slight immaturity of language which can serve to retain the shared Secret Garden of infancy. Twins can often be refreshingly direct and have little use for humbug.

As we have seen, the twin’s relationship with his mother i_s linked in babyhood to his co-twin. Separation from mother is never complete, his twin is his umbilical cord. There may also be feeling_s of jealousy which make him unable to leave her to his rival.

These feelings can still be around in adolescence. Continue Reading »