All My Children

Some schools have a policy of placing twins in separate classes, others feel that whatever the relationship between twins, they should always be together. Most leave it up to the parents.

This may be the most important decision that parents make. Often otherwise trouble-free twins may have problems at school caused by unequal ability, unequal division by the twins of educational tasks, language difficulties and unequal teaching, to name but a few.

Sometimes there is no choice, particularly at first schools where there may only be a single form entry. Continue Reading »

One of our twins is much less clever than the other but it wasn’t until they started school that it really showed. The teachers have kept them together in the same group so that the brighter twin can help the other one, but it is holding her back and not really helping her sister to stand on her own feet.

Separate classes and possibly separate schools may be the best answer. One may move ahead of the other and they will probably quite happily accept the situation if they can make their own friends at their own level. It will make it easier for you to praise them both when they do well, without any comparison with their twin. Continue Reading »

Not only can we feel guilty if we don’t love them equally, but also if they don’t achieve equally.

When there is a difference in age, differences in ability or achievement can be accepted more easily. If it’s the younger child who has a particular skill, the older one may still be ahead because of his years. On the other hand, the older child’s interests and seniority may make comparisons less likely. In the last resort parents may say, ‘Well, they’re two individual children and they have to accept their differences.’ This is not to say that it won’t cause problems; it may still do so. Continue Reading »

Twins in this age group generally play well together, but most twins have disagreements, at least occasionally. Those who have learned that parents will willingly involve themselves in their battles and that complaints against their twin will be instantly investigated are less likely to sort out their problems for themselves. Like all brothers and sisters, they need to find their own pecking order. In any case it can be difficult to tell who struck the first blow, either physically or verbally.

When parents have to step in because of something that the twins have done, such as throwing a ball through a window, both twins may deny responsibility. It’s possible that one twin may have encouraged the other, rather like hiring a hit man. He may prefer to play safe himself, but is delighted to live through the more adventurous twin. Continue Reading »

One of my twin boys is always arguing with me. Whatever I say, he always has an answer.

He may have found a way of getting your attention. Refuse to be drawn into arguments. If he disagrees with you, say that you’re sorry but you don’t intend to have a discussion, and remain firm.. Bids for individual attention are quite usual, but try to make sure that they each have some time when they can talk to you on your own. Have some separate outings, even if it’s only to the local shops.

One of our twins is much more sensitive than his brother and is easily upset. We find that we are letting him get away with a lot more because if we tell him off he reacts badly. Continue Reading »

Separating from parents

Twins tend to retain a childlike quality for rather longer than single youngsters. Perhaps this is because they have shared their childhood with someone else and it is less easy to leave it behind, but it may also be due to the slight immaturity of language which can serve to retain the shared Secret Garden of infancy. Twins can often be refreshingly direct and have little use for humbug.

As we have seen, the twin’s relationship with his mother i_s linked in babyhood to his co-twin. Separation from mother is never complete, his twin is his umbilical cord. There may also be feeling_s of jealousy which make him unable to leave her to his rival.

These feelings can still be around in adolescence. Continue Reading »

Adolescence is a time when we rework the experiences of infancy, particularly those of separation. For many twins this is unfinished business. They may have learned to take their first steps away from mother, but hand in hand, so to speak, with their twin. Instead of the loved blanket or teddy bear, toddler twins have each other. But whereas the blanket or teddy are only objects, the co-twin can temporarily take the mother’s place, giving instructions, being cross, or giving love. In this way those first steps towards independence can be undermined and separation is incomplete. Going to school may continue this experience: separation from mother, but still with the twin. Continue Reading »

One of my twins eats well but the other one looks like his shadow. He says he doesn’t want to get fat like his twin brother, but I’m worried that he isn’t eating enough.

It sounds as though eating well may be important in your family and most of us expect our sons to have healthy appetites.

If they are non-identical twins and only one is going through a rapid growth stage, one may grow taller and thinner than the other if they both eat the same. However, if they are both at the same stage of development they may be using their weight as a way of establishing their individual identities, particularly if they are identical twins. Continue Reading »

Similar looking non-identical twins may have some of the same problems that are experienced by identical twins. Others mix them up, and they may have difficulty in being seen or seeing themselves as separate individuals. They can sometimes get their own body image mixed up with that of their twin and have beliefs about themselves that are not borne out by reality. Even dissimilar twins may fall into this trap. They are perpetually comparing themselves, or being compared, with their twin, and differences may become exaggerated. One twin may feel that he can never be ‘good enough’ if his twin seems more handsome, more clever or more popular. He may either become depressed or only feel that he has a role when he’s in the company of his twin and can bask in his reflected glory. The co-twin, who appears so confident, may also need to be with his twin to convince himself of his superior identity that might lack reality if he compared himself only with the larger group. Continue Reading »

The identical twin is three months behind the non-identical twin in learning to recognize his own mirror image. This does not mean that having learned to recognize himself, he no longer makes mistakes. Many identical twins have told of their sense of confusion when they have looked in the mirror and for a moment believed that it was their twin who was staring back at them. Sometimes a mirror may be placed in such a way that one twin is reflected in it and the other cannot be seen. It may not be until the mirror refuses to reflect back the gestures of the unseen twin that he realizes that he is looking, not at his own reflection, but that of his twin. A variation on this theme is the story of Alice, aged nine, who was looking through the window of a parked caravan at what she thought was her reflection in a mirror, only to discover that it was her twin sister staring through the window on the other side! Continue Reading »