All My Children

The more opportunity a child has to enjoy the richness and freewheeling fantasy of play in all its forms, the more solidly will his development proceed. Later encounters with learning, games, and sports will strengthen and enhance his knowledge and mastery of the world. But for games and sports, or even for learning to be fully meaningful, his prior experience with play must already have provided a firm foundation. This is why culturally deprived children who had little chance to play and were little played with by parents have such a hard time in school—without the experience of succeeding in play, they do not trust themselves to succeed in school. For this reason, it is not sufficient for parents to wait to share in play activities when they reach a more formalized stage. The older child’s activities may offer more intrinsic interest to a parent, but by that time it may be too late. Both kinds of experience—play and games—are necessary for growing up well. Children lose out on a great deal if TV viewing or even activities such as academic learning prevent them from having rich experiences with both play and games. The ability to enjoy games builds on the play experience. Continue Reading »

Of all people children are the most imaginative. They abandon themselves without reserve to every illusion.

Play has an important meaning for children, but wise parents will not attempt to structure a carefully organized play program for a child as though it were a well-balanced diet. In play, spontaneity and inner direction are of supreme significance; without them, much of the value of play is destroyed. I emphasize this point because faulty understanding of the unconscious meaning of play and misapplication of certain insights derived from the use of play in child therapy have made it more difficult for adults to take play as seriously as it must be taken if the child is to be understood on his own terms. Continue Reading »

They say a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. I doubt if our eightyear-old daughter Kendall would agree with that particular piece of traditional wisdom.

This is because, when it comes to the care and feeding — and keeping — of pet cage birds, our middle daughter is about as successful as her mother used to be when she was a child.

You may recall previous accounts of my wife’s youthful experiences with pets: most notably cage birds and fish. She had dozens of them at varying stages of her childhood. And all of them went the same way — slain in their millions by my wife. Not through malice, I hasten to add, but simply through too much kindess, too much handling and far too much food. At one stage, my wife’s kill-rate of aquarium fish was so great she was supporting the country’s fishing industry all by herself. Continue Reading »

As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted …

It’s a girl!

Healthy (she has all 20 requisite digits), lusty (she cries louder than an Italian mama at a family wedding), rosy-cheeked, pink-skinned, (you were expecting olive-green, perhaps?), almond-eyed, raven-haired (all seven of them) Irish-South African beauty; born November 10 at Westville Hospital near Durban; a bonny, bouncing (father dropped her on the carpet) sister for Alexandra and Kendall, source of curious concern for eight household pets, and cause of great wonderment for proud father … as in: “I wonder how I’m going to pay for all this.”

Mother and child well; father recuperating as well as can be expected.

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Children of all ages need to know their own family rules and what to expect if they forget them.

Perhaps the most important rule for every child is that he must tell his parents where he is going, who he is going to play with and if there is any change of plan. Parents knowing where their children are means security for children and peace of mind for parents.

When parents are angry they can often threaten punishments that are difficult to carry out. For example, if a child has failed to tell his parents that he’s going to a friend’s house after school, he may be told that he will not be allowed out after school for a whole week. After two or three days the child may have become so bored and irritable, and is making life so impossible for his parents, that they give in and the child goes out to play. Once parents have given in, children become more powerful. They have found out that they can make their parents change their minds. When they are twins, the pressure is greater. Continue Reading »

One of my twin boys is always arguing with me. Whatever I say, he always has an answer.

He may have found a way of getting your attention. Refuse to be drawn into arguments. If he disagrees with you, say that you’re sorry but you don’t intend to have a discussion, and remain firm.. Bids for individual attention are quite usual, but try to make sure that they each have some time when they can talk to you on your own. Have some separate outings, even if it’s only to the local shops.

One of our twins is much more sensitive than his brother and is easily upset. We find that we are letting him get away with a lot more because if we tell him off he reacts badly. Continue Reading »

Some twins, particularly boys, may be less skilled in language and become self-conscious about saying what they think or feel, especially if the rest of the family finds it very easy. How can you explain to your parents why you should be allowed to do something if they are much better at telling you why you can’t? In family discussions it may be easier to say nothing than look foolish in front of the others. Some boys may say, ‘I don’t know’, or ‘I can’t remember’, when they know the answer, but it’s too much trouble to put it into words or risk being made fun of by a bright younger sister. Boys will usually say what they want to say, but when they are on their own and feel safe and have had time to think it over. A single child who feels less skilled in language than other members of his family may behave in a similar way. Continue Reading »

To prevent the tube from taking over your child’s world, set specific ground rules for everyone:

1. Preplan how much, when (after homework and other responsibilities are done), and what will be viewed.
2. Invest in a VCR and blank videocassette tapes. If something particularly worthwhile is going to be broadcast at an inopportune time, tape it for viewing later. While videocassette recorders can lure families to rent more movies than they need, when used prudently they are a great investment and time-saver; ultimately they give you more options with more control over content and scheduling.
3. Think twice before installing a TV in your child’s room. You’ll lose control of the viewing activity, and your child will be isolated from the normal flow of family life.

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In the mid-1950s, no television had more than twelve channels, the content of movies was constrained by a code of strictly enforced values, the top ten songs on the radio dealt with “moons and Junes,” and the most provocative game in the toy store was Monopoly. Today scorching language, gut-wrenching violence, casual nudity, mind-boggling sexual acts, and general disrespect for life and traditional values are readily accessible to anyone, including children. Words and images that are inappropriate for children (or anyone else) can literally flood a home that does not take deliberate steps to stem the tide.

And while you may be careful about the types of things you allow your children to see, neighbors up the street may be careless about the images flickering on their TV screen or who is in the room to see them. Continue Reading »