All My Children

The task of achieving independence from parents

With rare exception, adolescents develop a powerful drive to become independent, to be in charge of their daily affairs and their future. As a result, bucking the limits, challenging authority, and resisting constraints imposed at home and school are pretty much par for the course. Just as in the first adolescence of toddler days, the extent of willfulness and the lack of good judgment can at times be spectacular. And while it may sometimes seem outrageous, some degree of struggling against parental control is a normal and necessary part of growing up. Continue Reading »

The conclusion of the teen years and the beginning of the twenties often bring stability to a number of areas but also raise new issues. Physical appearance is rarely the ongoing concern that dominated early adolescence, and efforts to improve looks will not only be more common but generally more productive. Direct peer-group manipulation of opinions and actions will be less obvious, although attitudes about the issues of life are not likely to be set in concrete. Continue Reading »

School and its curriculum

It goes without saying that your teenager’s schoolwork should include the basics: reading, writing, math, history, and so forth. In general, it’s reasonable to assume that your local schools are staffed by men and women who take their job seriously and have their students’ best interests at heart. If your teenager is having problems understanding the material or getting the work done, you will want to review some basic strategies in Special Concerns.

But what if the problem isn’t academics but personality or ideology? What if a particular teacher seems to have it in for your son or daughter, or a class appears to be pushing a political or social agenda that disagrees with yours? What if the family-life or sex-education unit is contradicting everything you have been teaching at home? And, more important, what if your adolescent is subjected to ridicule for expressing a contrary point of view? Continue Reading »

Music

With a few exceptions, contemporary music plays a prominent and intense role in the life and thought processes of adolescents; this has been true for generations. Today, however, this is not particularly good news.

Over the years most parents have complained about the music their kids enjoyed. During the 1950s and early 1960s, the content of most popular music focused on teen romance, the joys of surfing, and an occasional novelty item such as the “Purple People Eater” or “Alley Oop”. Obviously, these songs were hardly masterpieces, and many of them celebrated unrealistic or even silly notions about love and relationships. However, their shortcomings pale in comparison to the malignant cultural tide that rolled in during the late 1960s, when drugs and rebellion began to be celebrated more openly. Continue Reading »

Are you nurturing your marriage?As you approach your child(ren)’s adolescent years, are you still on the same team as your spouse? Do you build one another up in front of the kids, or do you unleash verbal attacks for all to witness?

An intact, stable marriage in which affection and mutual respect are openly demonstrated is a valuable asset for raising teenagers. Adolescents learn volumes about relationships from watching interactions at home. When the teen weather is stormy, a united parental front will be very important in restoring calm and maintaining limits. There will be many occasions when one parent can help quiet a conflict between a teenager and the other parent—not by contradicting his or her mate but by supporting and reaffirming him or her. If either partner believes that your marriage needs a tune-up, by all means set aside whatever time is necessary to work with a counselor or pastor. Continue Reading »

Without a doubt, the adolescent years are a crucial and eventful period—not only for your child but for you as well. Working through it successfully requires wisdom, finesse, attention to detail, and above all, prayer. Prayer is particularly important because you cannot predict the future or know for certain how your children will respond to the challenges and opportunities that cross their paths.

It is inevitable that we will make mistakes. We will miss important signals from our children about their desires and needs and overreact to others based on our desires and needs. We may at times become too distracted, tired, overcommitted, or swamped with other responsibilities to do much more than attempt to put out fires. Continue Reading »

While you as the parent have the primary assignment in shaping your adolescent’s journey to adulthood, many other people, institutions, and social forces will have supporting roles. But not all of them will have your teenager’s best interests at heart.

Two generations ago the general drift of our culture encouraged basic virtues: honesty, responsibility, sobriety, and the expression of sex within marriage, among others. If a teenager used drugs, was promiscuous, or openly defied authority, he was considered a juvenile delinquent. Today that is no longer the case. Even a casual look at the music, videos, and films geared to adolescents is a harrowing experience. Continue Reading »

Differences of opinion with a growing adolescent on a variety of subjects are inevitable. Even the teenager who is compliant and agreeable will lock horns with you eventually—or become expert at quieter ways to demonstrate her opinions. When you are challenged on a rule at your home or you see or hear your teenager doing something you don’t like, you’ll need to heed these principles:

To quote the apostle Paul, “Do not exasperate your children“.If you choose to comment, nag, or nudge about everything she does that isn’t up to your standards, be prepared for several years of misery. Yes, she needs your guidance. The choices she makes now can have significant consequences, and she still has lots of room for improvement. But if she hears about her deficits constantly, she will become frustrated and eventually hostile. And guess who she won’t want to talk to if there’s a real problem. If all the nitpicky stuff arouses nonstop criticism at home, she can only imagine what will happen in response to a major mistake. Continue Reading »

Some things that bother you may not be worth a major conflict with your teenager. Think carefully before starting a war over the following:

• A mess in his or her own room (unless the health department pays a visit). Remember: dirty-room syndrome is a self-limited and nonfatal illness.
• Length of hair
• Earrings (for either gender)
• Style of music
• Sound level of music
• Choice of everyday clothing
• Fast food
• Sleeping in when there’s not a specific need to arise for school or work
• How, when, and where homework is done—as long as it is getting done

Continue Reading »

During the next few years, your teenager will probably need medical input on a number of occasions. Screening exams for sports, camp, and general health assessment will need to be done. Injuries arising from sports or other vigorous activities may need attention. Problems related to menstruation may require medical evaluation and intervention. In addition, a variety of symptoms and emotional concerns may arise during these years.

Adolescent health-care guidelines recommend yearly visits to the doctor for assessment, screening, and guidance, even if there have been evaluations during the year for other medical problems. Quick exams for camp or sports, especially those done assembly-line style on large groups of adolescents, should not substitute for more comprehensive physicals by your regular health-care provider. Continue Reading »