All My Children

Twins in this age group generally play well together, but most twins have disagreements, at least occasionally. Those who have learned that parents will willingly involve themselves in their battles and that complaints against their twin will be instantly investigated are less likely to sort out their problems for themselves. Like all brothers and sisters, they need to find their own pecking order. In any case it can be difficult to tell who struck the first blow, either physically or verbally.

When parents have to step in because of something that the twins have done, such as throwing a ball through a window, both twins may deny responsibility. It’s possible that one twin may have encouraged the other, rather like hiring a hit man. He may prefer to play safe himself, but is delighted to live through the more adventurous twin. Continue Reading »

Similar looking non-identical twins may have some of the same problems that are experienced by identical twins. Others mix them up, and they may have difficulty in being seen or seeing themselves as separate individuals. They can sometimes get their own body image mixed up with that of their twin and have beliefs about themselves that are not borne out by reality. Even dissimilar twins may fall into this trap. They are perpetually comparing themselves, or being compared, with their twin, and differences may become exaggerated. One twin may feel that he can never be ‘good enough’ if his twin seems more handsome, more clever or more popular. He may either become depressed or only feel that he has a role when he’s in the company of his twin and can bask in his reflected glory. The co-twin, who appears so confident, may also need to be with his twin to convince himself of his superior identity that might lack reality if he compared himself only with the larger group. Continue Reading »

Twins who have been used to sharing each other’s friends may find it difficult, sometimes, to tolerate a wife’s girlfriends or a husband’s pals. There may be attempts to undermine a friendship or else to share in it and turn it into a threesome.

Some husbands and wives can find it difficult to accept a close relationship between twins and try to separate them, or at least place limitations on the amount of contact between them. Twins need to be aware of their new partner’s needs as well as that of their twin. Partners who feel confident that they come first will feel happier about the twin coming second. Continue Reading »

It is difficult to break away from parents to whom you are close and the adolescent often has feelings of guilt. For this reason the magnifying glass may be used to exaggerate parents‘ faults and attitudes in order to justify breaking away — parents who are too understanding can actually make the process more difficult. Parents who seem unlike the ‘ideal’ parents presented by the media or decided upon by the larger adolescent group to whom the child belongs may be criticized. Many adolescents become so self- conscious about themselves, that this self-consciousness is enlarged to include the parents, who become a constant source of embarrassment to the teenager. This can be a testing time for parents, particularly if they begin to look at themselves and each other through the adolescent’s magnifying glass. Compromise and tolerance are as essential between parents as they are between parents and adolescent, and parents can set an example that is well worth passing on. Continue Reading »

All adolescents go through physical and emotional changes which affect relationships within the family. They can be up one day and down the next. They can be difficult, argumentative and moody, or delightful, helpful and friendly all in the space of the same week.

Adolescents tend to look at life through a magnifying glass. The singer is not just a singer, but a ‘pop idol’, clothing is often extreme, friendships are intense. Those whom they don’t like may be seen as enemies. Feelings within the family are also magnified. Past jealousies and resentments may now be expressed ‘times ten’ and parents of twins can experience considerable guilt at what they appear to have done to their adolescent children. The more they try to placate them, the worse it seems to get. Continue Reading »

The closer the twin pair, the greater the distress when one twin dies, at whatever age. For the identical twin, there may be a shock that is similar to losing a limb. If twins have been helped to find a sense of personal identity during childhood, with their own individual friends and interests as well as those in common, they will have some support to help them with the trauma of what may seem like the loss of one half of themselves. Nothing can lessen their grief, but it can be made bearable if every small activity is not a constant reminder of the absence of their twin.

After the acute phase of grief is over, a child of school age should return to school, and his friends encouraged to invite him round so that he does not get trapped by his own fears and lack of confidence. Children in middle childhood are not usually frightened by the idea of death and can sometimes appear quite callous. Continue Reading »

The bereaved parents

The loss of a child at any stage brings heartbreak as there are so many might-have-beens, but the loss of a twin is somehow perpetuated in the survivor. There is also the loss of something that is not given to everyone: the privilege of having two babies, an achievement that is out of the ordinary.

The way that hospital staff react to the death of a stillborn or newborn twin is of great importance. The birth of twins in the maternity ward is always exciting and staff may deal with their own feelings of loss by denying those of the parents. They may also feel that parents should be grateful that they have one healthy baby when others, less fortunate, have none. The mother and father may be given the message that it is unacceptable to grieve. The baby is unceremoniously disposed of as though it had never existed. The grief may come later and be diagnosed as post-natal depression, or be delayed until the birth of the next baby. Continue Reading »