All My Children

Some schools have a policy of placing twins in separate classes, others feel that whatever the relationship between twins, they should always be together. Most leave it up to the parents.

This may be the most important decision that parents make. Often otherwise trouble-free twins may have problems at school caused by unequal ability, unequal division by the twins of educational tasks, language difficulties and unequal teaching, to name but a few.

Sometimes there is no choice, particularly at first schools where there may only be a single form entry. Continue Reading »

One of our twins is much less clever than the other but it wasn’t until they started school that it really showed. The teachers have kept them together in the same group so that the brighter twin can help the other one, but it is holding her back and not really helping her sister to stand on her own feet.

Separate classes and possibly separate schools may be the best answer. One may move ahead of the other and they will probably quite happily accept the situation if they can make their own friends at their own level. It will make it easier for you to praise them both when they do well, without any comparison with their twin. Continue Reading »

Separating from parents

Twins tend to retain a childlike quality for rather longer than single youngsters. Perhaps this is because they have shared their childhood with someone else and it is less easy to leave it behind, but it may also be due to the slight immaturity of language which can serve to retain the shared Secret Garden of infancy. Twins can often be refreshingly direct and have little use for humbug.

As we have seen, the twin’s relationship with his mother i_s linked in babyhood to his co-twin. Separation from mother is never complete, his twin is his umbilical cord. There may also be feeling_s of jealousy which make him unable to leave her to his rival.

These feelings can still be around in adolescence. Continue Reading »

Adolescence is a time when we rework the experiences of infancy, particularly those of separation. For many twins this is unfinished business. They may have learned to take their first steps away from mother, but hand in hand, so to speak, with their twin. Instead of the loved blanket or teddy bear, toddler twins have each other. But whereas the blanket or teddy are only objects, the co-twin can temporarily take the mother’s place, giving instructions, being cross, or giving love. In this way those first steps towards independence can be undermined and separation is incomplete. Going to school may continue this experience: separation from mother, but still with the twin. Continue Reading »

Similar looking non-identical twins may have some of the same problems that are experienced by identical twins. Others mix them up, and they may have difficulty in being seen or seeing themselves as separate individuals. They can sometimes get their own body image mixed up with that of their twin and have beliefs about themselves that are not borne out by reality. Even dissimilar twins may fall into this trap. They are perpetually comparing themselves, or being compared, with their twin, and differences may become exaggerated. One twin may feel that he can never be ‘good enough’ if his twin seems more handsome, more clever or more popular. He may either become depressed or only feel that he has a role when he’s in the company of his twin and can bask in his reflected glory. The co-twin, who appears so confident, may also need to be with his twin to convince himself of his superior identity that might lack reality if he compared himself only with the larger group. Continue Reading »

Some twins, particularly boys, may be less skilled in language and become self-conscious about saying what they think or feel, especially if the rest of the family finds it very easy. How can you explain to your parents why you should be allowed to do something if they are much better at telling you why you can’t? In family discussions it may be easier to say nothing than look foolish in front of the others. Some boys may say, ‘I don’t know’, or ‘I can’t remember’, when they know the answer, but it’s too much trouble to put it into words or risk being made fun of by a bright younger sister. Boys will usually say what they want to say, but when they are on their own and feel safe and have had time to think it over. A single child who feels less skilled in language than other members of his family may behave in a similar way. Continue Reading »