All My Children

An uncomfortable problem for you as an idealistic young person, especially in the early teens, is the sharp contrast between the physical side of sex and the romantic, tender, spiritual side. By the time you are in your late teens or early twenties, these two aspects will tend to fuse together (sooner in one individual, later in another), giving strength and meaning to each other. But at first they are so opposite that they seem to battle against each other. Continue Reading »

I myself think that the teen years up to sixteen, seventeen or eighteen are generally the time for an informal kind of companionship between boys and girls, mainly in groups.

You get lots of opportunities to learn about the opposite sex and your own sex by being with other young people regularly in school, in Sunday School, in camps, around the neighbourhood, in dropping in and out of other families‘ homes. This kind of sociability allows you to get to know others casually, which is the most comfortable way for most early adolescents. You can talk as much or as little as you feel like doing, instead of having to fill up all the silences, the way you feel you have to do when there are only two people present. You can be on school and youth club committees to carry out projects and social activities. You can participate in the activity clubs that exist in many schools—a Spanish club, a stamp collectors’ club, a nature- study club, etc. Continue Reading »

Adolescence is a time when we rework the experiences of infancy, particularly those of separation. For many twins this is unfinished business. They may have learned to take their first steps away from mother, but hand in hand, so to speak, with their twin. Instead of the loved blanket or teddy bear, toddler twins have each other. But whereas the blanket or teddy are only objects, the co-twin can temporarily take the mother’s place, giving instructions, being cross, or giving love. In this way those first steps towards independence can be undermined and separation is incomplete. Going to school may continue this experience: separation from mother, but still with the twin. Continue Reading »

There are limits to unquestioning acceptance of a child’s behavior, whether it relates to sexual identity or anything else, and appropriate course corrections may be necessary from time to time. If a boy has decided to see how he might look in a dress and makeup, for example, parents can and should calmly set house rules about attire, just as they do about other everyday activities. If a daughter’s interests don’t mesh with those of other girls in the neighborhood, she may need help finding some friends with whom she can share common pursuits. If a child’s behavior or mannerisms are so eccentric that they alienate or draw fire from others, especially in areas involving sexual identity, it is definitely appropriate to initiate changes to prevent the child from developing an ongoing sense that he or she is different from, and perhaps not accepted by, others. (This painful sense of being marginalized during childhood can play a role in the development of a homosexual identity later in life.) Just as in every other area of shaping and molding a child’s behavior, this should be done without browbeating or sarcasm.

Although sexual abuse certainly doesn’t lead to a same-sex orientation all or even most of the time, it may contribute to the process. If, for example, a young boy has one or more sexual experiences with an older boy or man, he may derive some physical pleasure from these activities and thus decide early on that he is homosexual. Continue Reading »

Set up your expectations and ground rules about dating in advance— well before your teenager asks if he or she can go out with someone.

Each family will have to set its own standards, but extremes are best avoided, Rigid parental control through high school and beyond (including selecting a limited number of “acceptable” candidates for courtship) stifles growth and independence and virtually guarantees rebellion. But a lax, anything-goes approach without parental guidelines is like handing the car keys to someone who has had no driver’s training.

Think seriously about adopting a stepwise approach, especially for your adolescent’s first socializing experiences with the opposite sex. Many parents have a policy that if someone wants to spend time with their son or daughter under age eighteen, the first step will be an evening at home with the family or joining in a family activity such as dinner and a movie or a ball game. Continue Reading »

As your child approaches puberty, you are going to have to shift gears from talking about sex in general to more specific briefings on his or her own sexuality. Whether you make this a specific discussion or include it as part of a more extensive explanation of what lies ahead during the adolescent years, you will want your child to be ready for the physical changes that are about to take place.

Girls need to know about breast development, new hair growth, and the reproductive cycle. The first menstrual period should be viewed in a positive light, as a passage into adulthood rather than a burden or a “curse of women.” Some parents honor the occasion by taking their daughter to dinner at a nice restaurant or presenting a special gift. This event is usually the final stage of pubertal development. If you and your daughter stay in communication about the changes she is experiencing’, you can usually anticipate and discuss what she can do if her first period begins when she’s away from home. Continue Reading »