All My Children

Teaching by Example

A child usually learns far more by the attitudes of those around him than he does from books and formal lectures. For example, what he sees and feels in the family ordinarily makes a greater impression on him than what he reads when he is older. Here in his own home he will gain a better understanding of the breadth and depth of family living. Here he can see what it means to be a mother, a father, a husband, or a wife, and he also knows what it means to be a child. Continue Reading »

This section should not finish without a thought for the older brother or sister of twins.

If there is a very positive relationship between the older child and the twins, there may well be no problem. The older child may be proud of having ‘his’ twins at school and show them off to his friends, or he may lead a completely independent life.

However there are some children, particularly those who are close in age to the twins, who may feel overshadowed. Some twins report back to the parents when the older child misbehaves, so that he feels as if he’s being constantly watched. Even though parents may sometimes find these reports useful, they should be discouraged, as with reports about the other twin. The older child is entitled to his privacy. Continue Reading »

Twins, like other children, need to be encouraged to help with household tasks. They may make double the work, but they can also be double the help. It may often seem quicker to do it yourself when twins of any age are learning a new task, but this is a shortsighted policy and can lead to the labelling of twins as unhelpful.

If a child is encouraged to help he may well put more effort into the task than the parent: shining taps, for example. The six-yearold making jam tarts may turn into the teenager who gives the parent a rest from making dinner.

If twins learn that parents will always do things for them, they may not learn to do things for themselves, or for parents, and they will find it difficult to take responsibility and grow up. Continue Reading »

All adolescents go through physical and emotional changes which affect relationships within the family. They can be up one day and down the next. They can be difficult, argumentative and moody, or delightful, helpful and friendly all in the space of the same week.

Adolescents tend to look at life through a magnifying glass. The singer is not just a singer, but a ‘pop idol’, clothing is often extreme, friendships are intense. Those whom they don’t like may be seen as enemies. Feelings within the family are also magnified. Past jealousies and resentments may now be expressed ‘times ten’ and parents of twins can experience considerable guilt at what they appear to have done to their adolescent children. The more they try to placate them, the worse it seems to get. Continue Reading »

The closer the twin pair, the greater the distress when one twin dies, at whatever age. For the identical twin, there may be a shock that is similar to losing a limb. If twins have been helped to find a sense of personal identity during childhood, with their own individual friends and interests as well as those in common, they will have some support to help them with the trauma of what may seem like the loss of one half of themselves. Nothing can lessen their grief, but it can be made bearable if every small activity is not a constant reminder of the absence of their twin.

After the acute phase of grief is over, a child of school age should return to school, and his friends encouraged to invite him round so that he does not get trapped by his own fears and lack of confidence. Children in middle childhood are not usually frightened by the idea of death and can sometimes appear quite callous. Continue Reading »

Just as it is important for you to handle your newborn carefully and appropriately, any older brothers or sisters in the family will need to be supervised during their interactions with the baby. They should have been given plenty of advance warning, in language they can understand, about the new brother or sister who is on the way, and perhaps will have had a chance to say hello to him while Mont was still in the hospital. For very young children, fascination with the wiggly little person will be mixed with an overriding concern about whether there is enough love to go around. Continue Reading »

In some families the nonstop bickering and pummeling that goes on in the backseat of the car, at the kitchen table, around the TV set, or in any other location where two or more children are gathered, is enough to cause mothers and fathers to want to turn in their resignation from parenthood. This is particularly exasperating when the parents have not modeled antagonistic or harsh behavior. Where does all this awful hostility come from? Where did we go wrong?

What generates so much conflict between brothers and sisters? With rare exception, it is not the result of poor parenting. Much of it is an expression of basic human nature. There is nothing in the human genetic code that spontaneously brings forth from children concern for the rights and needs of others—including their closest family members. This (and nearly all other values) must be taught and modeled by parents, relatives, teachers, and other civilizing influences as children grow up. Continue Reading »

Of all the situations in which a child might be concerned about getting parental attention, few are more acute than when Mom brings a newborn home from the hospital. A preschooler or grade-school child who has peer-group friends and other interests will usually take this event in stride. She may be not only fascinated with the new baby but also willing to help with simple tasks related to newborn care.

Very often, however, the older sibling is a toddler, who may take a dim view of this squirmy creature who now monopolizes so much of her mother’s time. Not being able to express her feelings in words yet, she may regress in behavior, forgetting toilet-training skills, asking fora bottle, trying to climb into her old crib, or whatever else seems like a possible way to get back to the way things used to be. Simple preparations can help prevent behavior meltdown when the newborn comes home: Continue Reading »