All My Children

Twin Communication

We’ve talked about the way in which twins often make decisions by consulting their partners, much in the way that some married couples do, but in the case of twins it can be a lifelong habit born of their common culture. This can leave the grown-up twin a little at a loss when it comes to making decisions on his own. He may find it difficult to make up his mind and look for opportunities to discuss the pros and cons with someone else. The plus side of this is that twins can be very helpful when others have problems to talk over and make excellent counsellors and personal friends. However they do have to be on their guard against the feeling that others are slow in understanding the ideas that they are trying to convey. Singles do not necessarily have the sixth sense that twins tend to develop along with language, and so will need a little more time and patience. Continue Reading »

The closer the twin pair, the greater the distress when one twin dies, at whatever age. For the identical twin, there may be a shock that is similar to losing a limb. If twins have been helped to find a sense of personal identity during childhood, with their own individual friends and interests as well as those in common, they will have some support to help them with the trauma of what may seem like the loss of one half of themselves. Nothing can lessen their grief, but it can be made bearable if every small activity is not a constant reminder of the absence of their twin.

After the acute phase of grief is over, a child of school age should return to school, and his friends encouraged to invite him round so that he does not get trapped by his own fears and lack of confidence. Children in middle childhood are not usually frightened by the idea of death and can sometimes appear quite callous. Continue Reading »

If we are given a little time to show we care and to make our peace it is easier to live with ourselves afterwards. That is why it is so important for parents to have the opportunity of nursing a dying child or baby. It is important, too, for the other children in the family to make their farewells.

It can be helpful to have a loving mother figure in the house, such as a grandmother or a sister, to enable the parents to have time to grieve whilst young children and the co-twin baby can continue to feel good and lovable.

`Michael only came to visit, he couldn’t stay, but John will stay and be your baby brother,’ might be a helpful explanation for a three-year-old who could feel that his bad feelings had hurt the baby, or that he had somehow wished him away. Continue Reading »

The bereaved parents

The loss of a child at any stage brings heartbreak as there are so many might-have-beens, but the loss of a twin is somehow perpetuated in the survivor. There is also the loss of something that is not given to everyone: the privilege of having two babies, an achievement that is out of the ordinary.

The way that hospital staff react to the death of a stillborn or newborn twin is of great importance. The birth of twins in the maternity ward is always exciting and staff may deal with their own feelings of loss by denying those of the parents. They may also feel that parents should be grateful that they have one healthy baby when others, less fortunate, have none. The mother and father may be given the message that it is unacceptable to grieve. The baby is unceremoniously disposed of as though it had never existed. The grief may come later and be diagnosed as post-natal depression, or be delayed until the birth of the next baby. Continue Reading »

Try to recognize disguised reactions.

Children will often react to death in ways that serve to protect them against their terrible feelings of loss. Some of these reactions include:

Indifference.

A child may become listless and emotionless, displaying a degree of indifference to her loss that seems inappropriate. Children who suffered a major loss (for example, one or both parents) may go through the funeral this way, without tears and seemingly intent on returning to their usual activities as quickly as possible—yet without relish. This may even aggravate other family members: Doesn’t she care about what has happened? If your child reacts this way, it is important not to try to jolt her into a more “genuine” reaction. Instead, make yourself available to her, spend lots of time together in an atmosphere of caring. Don’t pressure her. In time, she will most likely open up and collapse in your arms, pouring out grief that was not apparent immediately after the death occurred. Continue Reading »

Whenever your family acquires a pet, whether a fifty-cent goldfish or an expensive thoroughbred, you can count on two realities: (1) Your child will form an attachment to it, whether or not you do, and (2) except in unusual circumstances, the pet’s life expectancy will be shorter than your child’s passage into adulthood.

Depending on the type of animal and the age of the child, it is quite likely that your child will think of a pet as a family member. This is especially true if the pet has been in your home from the time your child was an infant or toddler. Activities and experiences with a pet, especially one that is very affectionate, can become an integral part of a child’s earliest recollections and often carry deep emotions. The death of a beloved pet can thus represent a major loss to a child or adolescent. Continue Reading »

While eating and body image are sources of concern or exasperation for millions of people, for some they become the focus of extreme and potentially dangerous behavior. According to the American Psychiatric Association, at any given time roughly a half million people in the United States are affected with an eating disorder. Of these, 95 percent are young women between the ages of twelve and twenty-five, most from middle- or upper-income families. (These conditions are rarely seen in developing countries.) Athletes, models, dancers, and others in the entertainment industry are at particular risk, usually because of intense concern over maintaining a particular, often unrealistic, appearance or level of performance.

The two most common eating disorders, other than obesity, are anorexia nervosa and bulimia nervosa. Continue Reading »