All My Children

The closer the twin pair, the greater the distress when one twin dies, at whatever age. For the identical twin, there may be a shock that is similar to losing a limb. If twins have been helped to find a sense of personal identity during childhood, with their own individual friends and interests as well as those in common, they will have some support to help them with the trauma of what may seem like the loss of one half of themselves. Nothing can lessen their grief, but it can be made bearable if every small activity is not a constant reminder of the absence of their twin.

After the acute phase of grief is over, a child of school age should return to school, and his friends encouraged to invite him round so that he does not get trapped by his own fears and lack of confidence. Children in middle childhood are not usually frightened by the idea of death and can sometimes appear quite callous. Continue Reading »

The bereaved parents

The loss of a child at any stage brings heartbreak as there are so many might-have-beens, but the loss of a twin is somehow perpetuated in the survivor. There is also the loss of something that is not given to everyone: the privilege of having two babies, an achievement that is out of the ordinary.

The way that hospital staff react to the death of a stillborn or newborn twin is of great importance. The birth of twins in the maternity ward is always exciting and staff may deal with their own feelings of loss by denying those of the parents. They may also feel that parents should be grateful that they have one healthy baby when others, less fortunate, have none. The mother and father may be given the message that it is unacceptable to grieve. The baby is unceremoniously disposed of as though it had never existed. The grief may come later and be diagnosed as post-natal depression, or be delayed until the birth of the next baby. Continue Reading »

Try to recognize disguised reactions.

Children will often react to death in ways that serve to protect them against their terrible feelings of loss. Some of these reactions include:

Indifference.

A child may become listless and emotionless, displaying a degree of indifference to her loss that seems inappropriate. Children who suffered a major loss (for example, one or both parents) may go through the funeral this way, without tears and seemingly intent on returning to their usual activities as quickly as possible—yet without relish. This may even aggravate other family members: Doesn’t she care about what has happened? If your child reacts this way, it is important not to try to jolt her into a more “genuine” reaction. Instead, make yourself available to her, spend lots of time together in an atmosphere of caring. Don’t pressure her. In time, she will most likely open up and collapse in your arms, pouring out grief that was not apparent immediately after the death occurred. Continue Reading »

The death of a family member—especially a grandparent, a brother or sister, and most of all a parent—is a grievous blow to a child of any age. A very young child (before the age of about two and a half) may not feel or be able to verbalize his response the way an older child will, but it will affect his life nonetheless. To best help a child deal with that emotional blow, maintaining heart-to-heart communication is the overriding principle from which all else follows.

Be aware of components—not stages—of grief.

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