All My Children

Like most self-invented symbolic play, Goethe’s act, as previously suggested, had meaning on many different, important and urgent levels, whereas play material created by others can only rarely fit so well the always-changing demands of the moment. Goethe’s play expressed his feeling that he had been thrown out; his wish that his sibling should be thrown out; his punishing his mother by throwing her dishes out. But on still another level, Goethe probably wanted to get rid of all the dishes, so that he would no longer be fed from them, or be expected to eat from them. His sibling was being nursed, and his play expressed also his own desire to return to an earlier feeding situation that his competitor was now privileged to enjoy, and for which he envied him. Continue Reading »

Premarital sex can also cause great emotional stress, and God wants to protect our children from that. Perhaps the biggest problem is the guilt that comes from knowing one has violated God’s standards.

As one young person said, “One of the worst feelings many sexually active people experience is to get up the next morning and realize the person lying next to them is a total stranger. This ‘morning after’ syndrome robs a person of a healthy self- image and a clear conscience, which decreases his ability to experience the transparency needed to cultivate an intimate relationship. On top of that, flashbacks from past sexual encounters can haunt a person the rest of his life, which can leave him feeling ‘grimy’ in the hands of his current lover.” Continue Reading »

Charity begins at home, and so does learning about aggression. A child will understand that shooting and killing people is wrong when the parent who was playfully made a target inquires who is going to pour the milk in the future or go to the store for ice cream. Such a question can convince a child of the need to keep his aggression under control in his own best interests, as no abstract description of the horrors of war could do. To be told that what we want to do—shoot the gun—is wrong annoys and frustrates us, and puts us on the defensive. But realizing things on the basis of one’s own experience and interest—that is, a parent who has been shot can no longer serve the child—makes the learning become positive. Continue Reading »

The permanent underlying positive ties between parents and children were strengthened at Halloween—after all, adults made this outburst of naughtiness possible and encouraged it, with their merriment barely hidden behind their pretense of being scared. This holiday told children that deep down, despite adult demands to socialize the child, their parents did not totally reject the negative side of the child’s feelings toward them. Continue Reading »

Every quarrelsome child has an uneasy feeling of guilt deep down inside of him. Scolding and punishing him may only increase his feeling of guilt, perhaps driving him into further misconduct. In dealing with the problem, try to see things from his point of view. Don’t let yourself become angry. Keep your head.

When a child has hurt another, it is often better to take him away from the other children for a while. This will give him an opportunity to cool down and pull himself together. Tell him, “You are not ready to play with other children just now. When you feel better, you can go back, but not yet.”

If a toy or other object has been used to hurt another child, take it away and do not allow it to be used for some time. This will help each of the children to learn the lesson quickly. They will realize that anger and quarreling are decidedly unprofitable, and they will help each other to avoid the same mistakes. Continue Reading »

Twin Communication

We’ve talked about the way in which twins often make decisions by consulting their partners, much in the way that some married couples do, but in the case of twins it can be a lifelong habit born of their common culture. This can leave the grown-up twin a little at a loss when it comes to making decisions on his own. He may find it difficult to make up his mind and look for opportunities to discuss the pros and cons with someone else. The plus side of this is that twins can be very helpful when others have problems to talk over and make excellent counsellors and personal friends. However they do have to be on their guard against the feeling that others are slow in understanding the ideas that they are trying to convey. Singles do not necessarily have the sixth sense that twins tend to develop along with language, and so will need a little more time and patience. Continue Reading »

It is difficult to break away from parents to whom you are close and the adolescent often has feelings of guilt. For this reason the magnifying glass may be used to exaggerate parents‘ faults and attitudes in order to justify breaking away — parents who are too understanding can actually make the process more difficult. Parents who seem unlike the ‘ideal’ parents presented by the media or decided upon by the larger adolescent group to whom the child belongs may be criticized. Many adolescents become so self- conscious about themselves, that this self-consciousness is enlarged to include the parents, who become a constant source of embarrassment to the teenager. This can be a testing time for parents, particularly if they begin to look at themselves and each other through the adolescent’s magnifying glass. Compromise and tolerance are as essential between parents as they are between parents and adolescent, and parents can set an example that is well worth passing on. Continue Reading »

The closer the twin pair, the greater the distress when one twin dies, at whatever age. For the identical twin, there may be a shock that is similar to losing a limb. If twins have been helped to find a sense of personal identity during childhood, with their own individual friends and interests as well as those in common, they will have some support to help them with the trauma of what may seem like the loss of one half of themselves. Nothing can lessen their grief, but it can be made bearable if every small activity is not a constant reminder of the absence of their twin.

After the acute phase of grief is over, a child of school age should return to school, and his friends encouraged to invite him round so that he does not get trapped by his own fears and lack of confidence. Children in middle childhood are not usually frightened by the idea of death and can sometimes appear quite callous. Continue Reading »

If we are given a little time to show we care and to make our peace it is easier to live with ourselves afterwards. That is why it is so important for parents to have the opportunity of nursing a dying child or baby. It is important, too, for the other children in the family to make their farewells.

It can be helpful to have a loving mother figure in the house, such as a grandmother or a sister, to enable the parents to have time to grieve whilst young children and the co-twin baby can continue to feel good and lovable.

`Michael only came to visit, he couldn’t stay, but John will stay and be your baby brother,’ might be a helpful explanation for a three-year-old who could feel that his bad feelings had hurt the baby, or that he had somehow wished him away. Continue Reading »

The bereaved parents

The loss of a child at any stage brings heartbreak as there are so many might-have-beens, but the loss of a twin is somehow perpetuated in the survivor. There is also the loss of something that is not given to everyone: the privilege of having two babies, an achievement that is out of the ordinary.

The way that hospital staff react to the death of a stillborn or newborn twin is of great importance. The birth of twins in the maternity ward is always exciting and staff may deal with their own feelings of loss by denying those of the parents. They may also feel that parents should be grateful that they have one healthy baby when others, less fortunate, have none. The mother and father may be given the message that it is unacceptable to grieve. The baby is unceremoniously disposed of as though it had never existed. The grief may come later and be diagnosed as post-natal depression, or be delayed until the birth of the next baby. Continue Reading »