All My Children

No mother or father disciplines children with absolute perfection, and like every other parent in the world, you will make mistakes. You may say or do something that you later regret, or you may neglect one or more worthwhile aspects of the training process. But parenting involves a long learning curve, and children brought up in an environment where it is clear that they are deeply loved will be resilient in the face of numerous parental errors. Nevertheless, stay away from patterns of missteps and omissions that could have a lasting negative impact on your child. If any of the following have taken root in your home, remember that it’s never too late to make midcourse corrections.

• Physical abuse.Punching, slapping, whipping, burning, and other horrors inflicted upon children are not discipline. They are abuse and have no place in the rearing of a son or daughter. They do not serve to benefit the child in any way; they do serve as unhealthy ways for a parent to vent anger.

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Physical abuse is perhaps the easiest form of abuse to recognize, but its definition varies among doctors, health professionals, parents, and states. Spanking a child one time on the buttocks, for example, when done in a controlled and loving fashion, may be an appropriate form of discipline to one parent but perceived as abuse by another.

Physical abuse often occurs when a parent (or other adult) who is stressed and upset strikes out at a child in anger and frustration. Adults who are at higher risk for this type of behavior include those who

• were abused themselves as children;
• have relationships with other adults (often their spouse) in which physical violence recurs;
• are stressed by finaVal, employment, or marital problems;

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Sexual abuse is so psychologically complex for the victim that its true incidence is difficult to ascertain. Shame and embarrassment heavily shroud this form of abuse, and many victims fail to report it. However, current estimates suggest that as many as 20 percent of children will be sexually abused in some way before they reach adulthood.²

It is important to understand that sexual abuse can take a variety of forms. The common denominator is that a child or adolescent is used in some way for the sexual stimulation of another person who is an adult or at least significantly older than the victim or someone who holds power or control over the victim. Sexual contact involves any form of physical touch that is intended to provoke sexual arousal of the abuser or the victim. This can include:

• Direct genital contact with the victim, including penetrative intercourse (vaginal, anal, or oral), whether or not overpowering force was used.
• Fondling, rubbing, touching, or manipulating genitals or breasts, including simulated intercourse.

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The child must be protected from further harm.

In some cases, this may require taking the child out of the home, at least temporarily, either because it is clear that she is in immediate danger there or because concerns have been raised that are so serious that her safety must be ensured while the situation is investigated. Such an action can be traumatic for all concerned, even for the child who has been abused at home, but in most cases the ultimate goal of those who must make this type of decision is to keep families together, not break them apart.

If the abusing individual does not live at home, usually it is less difficult— but no less important—to see that the child is protected from further risk. This usually will involve keeping her away from any situations in which abuse may have taken place. Your commitment to her security should be made abundantly clear, especially if any threat has been made by the abuser. Continue Reading »

Emotional abuse, which accompanies all other forms of abuse, can be difficult to define, since psychological coping mechanisms vary in children. Technically, emotional abuse is any parental behavior that is harmful to the emotional wellbeing of a child. Verbal attacks and emotional abandonment are perhaps the most common forms of this abuse, leaving a child starving for attention, love, and affirmation. In order to develop and thrive, infants and children need not only physical sustenance and safety but also ongoing emotional nurturing. Such nurturing is not optional but a basic ingredient of well-being. Parents must acknowledge and accept their God-given responsibility for meeting a child’s emotional needs for love, security, and affirmation. Failing to satisfy the deep emotional needs of a child could result in psychological instability (manifested as severe anger outbursts and depression), developmental delays and retardation, and physical failure to thrive. Continue Reading »