All My Children

The closer the twin pair, the greater the distress when one twin dies, at whatever age. For the identical twin, there may be a shock that is similar to losing a limb. If twins have been helped to find a sense of personal identity during childhood, with their own individual friends and interests as well as those in common, they will have some support to help them with the trauma of what may seem like the loss of one half of themselves. Nothing can lessen their grief, but it can be made bearable if every small activity is not a constant reminder of the absence of their twin.

After the acute phase of grief is over, a child of school age should return to school, and his friends encouraged to invite him round so that he does not get trapped by his own fears and lack of confidence. Children in middle childhood are not usually frightened by the idea of death and can sometimes appear quite callous. Continue Reading »

If we are given a little time to show we care and to make our peace it is easier to live with ourselves afterwards. That is why it is so important for parents to have the opportunity of nursing a dying child or baby. It is important, too, for the other children in the family to make their farewells.

It can be helpful to have a loving mother figure in the house, such as a grandmother or a sister, to enable the parents to have time to grieve whilst young children and the co-twin baby can continue to feel good and lovable.

`Michael only came to visit, he couldn’t stay, but John will stay and be your baby brother,’ might be a helpful explanation for a three-year-old who could feel that his bad feelings had hurt the baby, or that he had somehow wished him away. Continue Reading »

The bereaved parents

The loss of a child at any stage brings heartbreak as there are so many might-have-beens, but the loss of a twin is somehow perpetuated in the survivor. There is also the loss of something that is not given to everyone: the privilege of having two babies, an achievement that is out of the ordinary.

The way that hospital staff react to the death of a stillborn or newborn twin is of great importance. The birth of twins in the maternity ward is always exciting and staff may deal with their own feelings of loss by denying those of the parents. They may also feel that parents should be grateful that they have one healthy baby when others, less fortunate, have none. The mother and father may be given the message that it is unacceptable to grieve. The baby is unceremoniously disposed of as though it had never existed. The grief may come later and be diagnosed as post-natal depression, or be delayed until the birth of the next baby. Continue Reading »

See color insert for color photos of skin conditions.

A new baby’s skin is so sensitive that at times looking at her cross-eyed may seem to provoke a new rash. You will see spots and splotches come and go, especially in the first several weeks, but most don’t need special treatment.

The characteristics of newborn skin and some common conditions including erythema toxicum, milia, and salmon patches. In addition, during the first few weeks many babies develop pimples on the face, neck, and upper back, which in some cases look like acne. These pimples most likely are a response to some of mother’s hormones acquired just before birth, and with rare exception they will resolve without treatment. If they become progressively worse, however, have them checked by your baby’s healthcare provider. Continue Reading »

Newborns do not typically sleep in long stretches during the first several weeks of life, nor do they know the difference between day and night. By two months, however, they are capable of lasting for longer periods without a feeding. Most parents will go through the pulse-quickening experience of awakening at dawn and realizing that the baby didn’t sound off in the middle of the night. “Is he okay?” is the first breathless concern, followed by both relief and quiet exultation: “He slept through the night!” Continue Reading »

By the time your baby arrives home for the first night, you will have had to address a basic question: Will she sleep in her own room, in a cradle or bassinet next to your bed, or in your bed right next to you? There are advocates for each of these arrangements.

Those who espouse sleeping with your baby point out that this is widely practiced throughout the world and that it gives the newborn a sense of security and comfort she won’t feel in a crib. Critics of shared sleeping raise concerns about parents accidentally rolling over and crushing the baby; however, the risk of this is remote. The more immediate concern is the potential disruption of parental sleep, intimacy, and privacy. Continue Reading »

Your experience as parent(s)

If a pregnancy is an upheaval for a teenager, it is also no picnic for her parents. Discovering that your adolescent daughter is pregnant is a trial like few others, and reactions—fear for her future, denial, guilt—may parallel hers with equal intensity. Parents are likely to feel anger in a number of directions—anger toward their daughter for being careless, not taking their advice, not using good judgment, and disobeying both them and God. They may be angry with the boy (or man) involved, who has violated their trust and their daughter’s well-being. They may be angry with themselves for any number of reasons: They were too narrow or too permissive, too busy or too tired to tune into their daughter’s world for the past several months—and now look what has happened. Continue Reading »

Before considering how you might respond to the news that your unmarried teenager is pregnant, take a brief tour of the emotions and thought processes that are likely to be swirling through her mind and heart.

Your daughter’s experience

Fear is an overriding emotion in nearly every teen pregnancy. “I can’t tell my par ents. They’ll kill me!” “How can I finish school when I’m pregnant?” “My boyfriend will take off if I don’t have an abortion.” The adolescent with a crisis pregnancy probably sees nothing but loss on the horizon—loss of love, time, education, and physical health. Fear of one or more of these losses propels most of her other responses. Continue Reading »

Set up your expectations and ground rules about dating in advance— well before your teenager asks if he or she can go out with someone.

Each family will have to set its own standards, but extremes are best avoided, Rigid parental control through high school and beyond (including selecting a limited number of “acceptable” candidates for courtship) stifles growth and independence and virtually guarantees rebellion. But a lax, anything-goes approach without parental guidelines is like handing the car keys to someone who has had no driver’s training.

Think seriously about adopting a stepwise approach, especially for your adolescent’s first socializing experiences with the opposite sex. Many parents have a policy that if someone wants to spend time with their son or daughter under age eighteen, the first step will be an evening at home with the family or joining in a family activity such as dinner and a movie or a ball game. Continue Reading »

Continue sending healthy messages about sexuality throughout your son’s or daughter’s adolescent years.

The best time to build a solid foundation about sexuality is before puberty. But even if you’ve never discussed the subject directly, you still send all kinds of signals about your attitudes over the course of time.

• Your adolescent needs to know you are comfortable with the subject. If you seem embarrassed, flustered, ashamed, or unapproachable whenever the topic comes up, your teenager will look elsewhere for input.
• Don’t hesitate to broach the subject yourself. Adolescents are reluctant to bring up sexual subjects with their parents, and your chances of having one or more conversations may be nil unless you take the initiative.
• Remember that the facts of sexuality are morally neutral. Anyone (even you) can teach them, but you have the opportunity to put the proper perspective on the subject.
• Be careful how you talk about someone else’s sexual issues. News of a crisis pregnancy in another family can provide a powerful teachable moment, for good or ill. If you give a clear signal that the nonmarital sex was wrong but respond with compassion (and prayer) for the people involved, you make it clear that you can be approached if anyone at home has a problem. But if your response sounds something like “Don’t you ever do something as stupid/shameful/evil as this,” you could block potentially critical communication in the future. Crisis pregnancy centers routinely find that many of their most difficult clients are the daughters of good, moral, upright, churchgoing parents. “I can’t tell Mom and Dad—it’ll kill them (or they’ll kill me)” is their common refrain as they head for the abortion clinic.

Talk about healthy and unhealthy relationships, and trainyour adolescent to avoid situations that increase the likelihood of a sexual incident.

Make them streetwise about the general course of relationships, dating, risky situations, and the ugly reality of date rape.

Encourage supervised, structured, nonpressuring group activities with the opposite sex as opposed to single dating situations, especially for adolescents in junior high and early high school. The object should be to learn how to talk and have fun without romantic expectations or sexual pressure. Group activities such as a church picnic or youth group outing are generally healthier than dances or other situations in which pairing up is necessary.

Talk to your adolescent about the qualities that ultimately matter in a relationship with a person of the opposite sex.Shared values (especially spiritual orientation), mutual respect, easy conversation, and enjoyment of everyday activities count far more heavily in the long run than good looks, money, popularity, or intense romantic attraction. Indeed, the best romances and marriages often come from relaxed friendships that progress gradually, with lots of conversations about everything under the sun. Accordingly, dating activities should be seen as experiences that are pleasant, enriching, and relaxing, not times of perpetual emotion.

Talk to your adolescent about unhealthy relationships, and have the courage to speak honestly if you see one developing:

• Relationships that ride a roller coaster of emotions—being madly in love
  one day, fighting like cats and dogs the next, crying and making up over
  and over—distract and drain a couple’s time and energy and wear out
  everyone else for miles around. They also turn into difficult marriages.
• Relationships in which one person is intensely needy for the other, and thus clingy and smothering, are parasitic and draining. For example, a teenager who claims, “I’d kill myself if you ever left me” is putting unhealthy pressure on the other person.
• Relationships that have ongoing verbal disrespect in one or both directions are doomed.
• Relationships in which physical abuse occurs must be terminated immediately.

An important note: Unhealthy relationships carry a significant risk for sexual involvement.

Talk to your adolescent about physical demonstrations of affection. This is a natural desire when two people like each other, but how much (and how far) is okay? What about handling the desire—or some pressure—to push physical boundaries? You can lay down rules and regulations, but your adolescent needs a rationale for making good decisions without you. Here are some ideas that may help your teenager.