Sep 20 2008
How to teach your Children to avoid Premarital sex, Emotional Reasons to Wait
Premarital sex can also cause great emotional stress, and God wants to protect our children from that. Perhaps the biggest problem is the guilt that comes from knowing one has violated God’s standards.
As one young person said, “One of the worst feelings many sexually active people experience is to get up the next morning and realize the person lying next to them is a total stranger. This ‘morning after’ syndrome robs a person of a healthy self- image and a clear conscience, which decreases his ability to experience the transparency needed to cultivate an intimate relationship. On top of that, flashbacks from past sexual encounters can haunt a person the rest of his life, which can leave him feeling ‘grimy’ in the hands of his current lover.”
God doesn’t want the minds and consciences of our kids to be plagued by that kind of guilt. The way for them to avoid it is to say no.
In addition to protecting our children from guilt, saying no to premarital sex protects them from misleading feelings. Young people who get involved sexually often confuse sex and love. The powerful emotions at work turn relationships upside down to the point where a person can lose control of his feelings.
When sex and love get confused, so, too, do the concepts of giving and taking. Real love always gives and seeks the best interests of the one loved. But in premarital sex, each person is taking for his own reasons. The confusion is compounded by the fact that the taking can sometimes look like giving.
One young person who had engaged in premarital sex wrote to a friend who had also done it, “Looking back, I think you will realize how misguided your feelings were. You thought you were in control of your life because you did what you wanted—you were ‘living fast and loose’ with no thought to anyone but yourself. You see now it was more like ’selfish- control’ rather than self-control, and your desire for sex led you into false emotions about your situation. Now there is only depression over your experiences. At the age of 15 you professed your belief in the salvation of Jesus Christ; now, at age 17, you feel lost and empty and you want to die.”
Then, too, God wants to protect our children from the way premarital sex can create in them negative feelings about sex. When a young person is sexually active, his or her body comes to associate sex and arousal with the emotions of guilt, resentment over being used, and the fear of getting caught, an unwanted pregnancy, or catching some sexually transmitted disease. This association can grow so strong that it constantly haunts any future sexual relationship, robbing it of pleasure or even preventing arousal.
One young woman said, “I feel physically used and therefore undesirable. My past mistakes are evident on my body. Who would ever want to marry me? Can I ever freely give my body to a man? Would another man even want my body? Can I have children? Do I have some undetected sexually transmitted disease? The past never goes away.”
Immoral sex can make the sexual experience seem dirty and tainted to a young person, causing not only hurt feelings now, but tremendous difficulty later in the sexual part of marriage as well. There’s only one sure way to avoid that problem—say no.
God also desires to protect our children from the difficulty of breaking off a bad relationship when sex is involved. Sex usually does one of two things to a dating relationship. It either ends a good relationship or it sustains a bad relationship. It sustains a bad relationship because the bonding effect that takes place through sexual intercourse, or even through heavy petting, causes a person to look at the relationship unrealistically. First, those involved believe that the relationship is deeper than it really is. And second, such involvement causes a teen to think that he or she knows the other person better than he really does. And as a result, they don’t break off the relationship.
On the positive side emotionally, waiting for marriage to enjoy sex allows maturity to develop. Self-control, character, and the ability to focus more on the true needs of the other person can all grow out of a time of obediently following God’s plan.
Waiting also shows love for one’s future mate. In essence, a young person who says no is saying, “I value the feelings and respect of my future mate more than the pleasure of the moment.” As one young woman put it, “You should give your mate the very best, not put him at the bottom of your list. Your body is a savings account to give to your mate as a wedding present, not to be spent on anything else.”
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