All My Children

There is a battle raging today for the bodies and souls of America’s teenagers, and like it or not, our children are on the front line. Venereal diseases, unwanted pregnancies, guilt, loss of self-esteem, and breakdown in relationships are just some of the results of premarital sexual involvement.

My desire for you as a parent is that you never hear the following statements; or, if you do, that you might know what to do when you hear them.

If only I had waited. I see now how uncluttered my life would have been, how my mind would have been free from this burden that besets me even years later.

If you want to know what it is really like, get two pieces of paper and glue part of one to the other. After it has dried, pull them apart. What you have in your hand is a vivid picture of two people after a premarital sexual relationship—both torn, both leaving a part of themselves with the other.

All my relationships had two things in common: one was we made love a lot, and the other was that they always ended and I always went through (and am still going through) incredible pain. I don’t know if the breakups were because God didn’t want us having sex or because of other reasons, but they hurt worse than anything ever has.

I finally got a girl into bed (actually it was in a car) when I was seventeen. I thought I was the hottest thing there was, but then she started saying she loved me and started getting clingy. I figured out that there had probably been a dozen guys before me who thought they had “conquered” her, but who were really just objects of her need for security. This took all the wind out of my sails. Worse yet, I couldn’t respect someone who gave in as easy as she did, and I was amazed to find that after four weeks of sex as often as I wanted, I was tired of her. I didn’t see any point in continuing the relationship. I finally dumped her, which made me feel even worse, because even I could see she was hurting. At least one of her parents was an alcoholic (maybe both were) and her home life was a disaster, and just when she thought she could hold on to someone, I ditched her. I didn’t feel very cool after that. I felt pretty low.

I gave no thought to what I would tell my future wife about those months when my girlfriend and I engaged in all the pleasures of the marriage bed with none of the commitment. A wife was a nebulous figure in the far-off future, not a person with feelings or someone who would care that I had been intimate with anyone besides her.

You can Make the Difference

Please don’t conclude, however, that the struggle to protect your child from all this is hopeless. Far from it! There is no doubt that we as parents have a tremendous influence on our children whatever their age, and we can do a great deal to help them say no to the pressures they are facing today to get involved in premarital sex.

My perspective as a father is that this is a battle my family can win, and I’m going to do everything in my power to make that happen. Not only that, but we are going to have a lot of fun along the way.

Helping our children say no to premarital sex begins by understanding what it’s like to be an adolescent today. Try to look at things from your child’s point of view—the onset of puberty; the hormones going crazy; the message about sex in movies, music, television, and everywhere else he or she turns; the peer pressure; the need for intimacy and the insecurity of family life; the misinformation about sex; and the lack of good role models. If you think being a parent is tough these days, try being an adolescent!

Along with that, understand why kids say yes to premarital sex. Kids say yes for many reasons and not just because they are wild or rebellious.

Next, develop and maintain the attitude that you can help your child, that regardless of his age, you can make a positive difference in his other life. Never allow a rough period of time in the relationship to take away your confidence that you can win. And while I haven’t made a point of saying it before, since it is so basic that I have assumed you would do it anyway, bathe your efforts as a parent in prayer daily. When our strength and wisdom fail, His are more than sufficient.

If you are married, work on your relationship with your spouse. That is so important because out of your daily interaction needs to come the security your child needs—the model of how to love, and the model of how to enjoy sex in the proper context.

Then build a relationship with your child that conveys to him or her your unconditional acceptance, appreciation, availability, affection, and accountability. This relationship is what earns you the right to teach your child the truths and values on which you want him to build his life. Remember that rules without relationship equal rebellion. There’s no substitute for a strong relationship with your child; I can’t emphasize this too heavily.

Teach your child to think for himself or herself and not just go along with the crowd, and teach him to think Christianly. Help him to think of the consequences of his words and actions, and not merely what seems fun at the moment. By your example and through discussion, teach him to view every decision in terms of whether a particular choice would honor God and help to build his relationship with the Savior.

Surround your child with a healthy circle of contacts: friends, teachers, coaches, and other family members if they are nearby. Find places where your child will be exposed to positive peer pressure as well as good adult role models.

Take advantage of natural opportunities to teach your child about sex—the whole truth. Give him not only the biological facts, but also God’s perfect plan for sex. Help him to see that the sexual relationship creates a oneness which is much more than physical, and that this oneness can only be healthy and beautiful within the lifelong commitment of marriage.

Carefully determine when your child is ready to start dating based on his or her demonstrated level of maturity. And when he or she is ready, help develop standards for dating that will honor God, that will protect the young person, and that will help him or her enjoy real fun which carries no guilt with it.

Arm your child with the “evidence” as well as biblical reasons to say no to sex. Don’t let him or her be the victim of ignorance, and don’t let him or her be defenseless in the face of pressure.

Finally, build into your relationship with your child an atmosphere of forgiveness. Make your home a place that, like the prodigal child’s home, your child will want to return to if he or she fails. Model always the love and forgiveness of our loving heavenly Father. One of the most significant things you can do to help your child say no to sex—or to any other temptation—is to build a strong relationship with him or her in which your unconditional love and acceptance is clearly realized by your child.

You can win the battle. It is worth developing a fantastic relationship with your child. It is not easy and it doesn’t come naturally—I know I have to work hard at it every day. But parenting can be just about the most exciting part of your life. That’s what God wants for you, and it is my prayer for you, too.

P.S. I have included an appendix that is from a real-life example of Christian parents whose unmarried daughter became pregnant. It reflects pain, love, forgiveness and hope. I trust it will minister to you as it has to me.

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