All My Children

Of all people children are the most imaginative. They abandon themselves without reserve to every illusion.

Play has an important meaning for children, but wise parents will not attempt to structure a carefully organized play program for a child as though it were a well-balanced diet. In play, spontaneity and inner direction are of supreme significance; without them, much of the value of play is destroyed. I emphasize this point because faulty understanding of the unconscious meaning of play and misapplication of certain insights derived from the use of play in child therapy have made it more difficult for adults to take play as seriously as it must be taken if the child is to be understood on his own terms.

For example, in psychological treatment a child might be encouraged to shoot a toy pistol at a figure; this may be done either to free his aggressions or to discover their source and intended goal. But this occurs in the presence of an adult acting as a therapist, in an “as if” therapeutic situation. If a parent encourages his child to shoot at someone, or even at himself in a normal play setting, it is a mistake—he is not taking the child’s play seriously enough. If he did, rather than just pretending to do so without paying close attention to what the play is all about, he could hardly encourage such an unequivocal show of aggression against others, not to mention against himself.

Another common mistake adults make in reacting to child play is taking it as not “for real.” But in more than one sense, play is the child’s true reality; we have to respect it as such. This is why we ought not to encourage our child to shoot at anyone. But this caution refers only to our encouraging our child to do so. We may very well give him a toy gun to use as he likes, or sees fit, be it for his protection or for aggressive play, but whether, when, and how to use this toy should be entirely the child’s own decision. Our giving him the gun implies our permission to use it as he wishes, when and how he feels a desire or need to do so, but no more. More important, it also implies our confidence that he will use it appropriately, even wisely, in a way that he thinks to be appropriate or wise, as seen from his perspective.

Incidentally, this holds true for all toys we give to a child. Our providing him with such play material should be no more than a statement on our part that it is all right with us if he chooses to play with it; our gift should never be the result of our wish that he should play with it, or play with it as the manufacturer intended. These attitudes not only rob his play of spontaneity, which would be bad enough, but control that which should help him assert his freedom, be in charge, in relief from the rest of his life, which is controlled by adults.

Children have a need to rid themselves of their aggressions, at least through symbolic play, and it is sufficient permission to do so when we give them toys suitable for that purpose. If we encourage a child to play aggressively, we exercise—however subtly—control over the activity, which is likely to increase his frustration or aggression and with it the need for discharge, rather than freeing him of that need. On the other hand, if his aggressive play is directed toward us—as it might be, if for no other reason than that he wishes to discover what our reaction might be, rather than because he wishes to hurt us, even in play—and if we do not react appropriately to what he does, then we effectively demonstrate to him that we take neither him nor his aggression very seriously. If we show a contradictory approach to the play by initially intellectualizing (”Let him work off his aggressions”) and subsequently attempting to render the activity harmless (”Even though you’ve just ’shot’ me, it means nothing”), then such attitudes destroy the serious qualities that play has for the child.

But when a child “shoots” his parents, should they shoot back? Certainly not counteraggression by an adult—whether in play or in earnest—has never yet proved beneficial to a child. Nevertheless it is not much help to him to let him shoot us with his toy gun without our giving an appropriate reaction. The reaction, of course, must be not to his action as such, but to his intentions. Only our on-the-spot assessment of what motivated the action can tell us whether the best response is an admiration of the child’s assertiveness—what a powerful warrior he is!—or a playful dramatic collapse to the floor, or a shadow of anxiety, or a question about how he will manage with us out of the way. By the way, a well-placed question such as this one is much more effective in convincing a child that shooting and killing are detrimental to his well-being than any theoretical discussion of the evils of war or violence.

This is because the child lives in the immediate present and within the limited confines of his direct experience. Wars, even those he sees on the TV screen, take place in some far-distant place and have no bearing on him that he can understand. And should we succeed in impressing on him the tragic consequences of war, the primary effect will be to infuse him with an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. After all, the youngster is smart enough to figure out that he has no effect on what is going on somewhere far away in the world. But shooting at his parent is something he can control, and really do something about. Almost any child realizes that however angry he is at a parent, however much he may want to get rid of him at the moment, he does not want to lose him forever. Children are acutely aware of how much they need the care and protection of their parents, and how ‘deeply they would suffer were their parents to turn in retaliation against them, or to disappear permanently.

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
Play and Reality: A Delicate Balance part 1

• Play and Reality: A Delicate Balance part 4
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• Learning the Rules of the Game
• Play and Reality: A Delicate Balance part 2
• Play and Reality: A Delicate Balance part 3
• Language and Reading Games
• Teach my kids Playing in –house Games I used to
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