All My Children

You might tell your child that although your beliefs are different, you still love each other and, of course, your child. If God is love, then that will overcome things that confuse us or make us disagree. Your joint openness and respect for each other will undoubtedly serve as a great comfort to your child.

In contrast, some interfaith parents wish to avoid these embroiled difficulties. They may believe that the best thing to do is to bring up a child without the heavy blanket of religion at all. They may feel that religion is either a burden or just something that will cause difficulty. But their spiritual path—and their children’s—is usually not so clear.

Without a formal religion, a family can seemingly travel its own route without being restricted by any religious boundaries. If the family is sincere about spirituality, then their child may very well be open-minded about the nature of God. Parents can easily encourage their child to find God in any way that seems appropriate. Above all, these interfaith parents can live by what they deem best for their child, rather than living according to an established doctrine. They can prioritize independence when it comes to matters of belief.

But such a family must also encounter a spiritual trade-off. Children may feel like outsiders with neighbors and with youngsters who do embrace religion. Older children in particular may be undirected, set off on a search for explicit spiritual values without any religious guidance to depend upon. “Why is it wrong to lie?” a youngster may wonder, but have no doctrine to refer to. Lastly, the family may suffer from a sense of something “missing,” without a vehicle for seeking a restorative spiritual community.

Regardless of what approach you take as an interfaith couple, I can offer a few recommendations concerning the religion you present to your child. Sort out with each other what specific religious ideas, if any, you want to advocate even before you have children. In that way, future misunderstandings and hurt feelings between you and your spouse can be kept to a minimum.

Your child should be exposed to at least a summary account of both of your religions, even if one or neither religion is observed. A child is entitled to know about family background. Attending a religious service, particularly during a holiday season, is necessary if you want to give your child a feeling of religious community. Make sure that attention to each of your religions is balanced, and make certain that both of you are involved in each educational experience. Don’t, in any case, make your child suffer feelings of guilt or betrayal because of religious differences between you and your spouse.

It is also vital that your child understand your current relationships to your religion of origin. “Why doesn’t dad go to synagogue?” a youngster may wonder. “Why is mom giving up chocolate for forty days?” another child may question. It is very helpful to tell your child openly how you feel about your religious origin; explain both your positive and negative feelings about it, along with the choices you have made. Encourage your spouse to do likewise. In that way, your child will better understand you both and get to know a little more about your religious backgrounds, too.

It is essential that you provide for your son or daughter a clear and comprehensible set of values and morals, whether or not those precepts come from a formal religion. Your child must have a set of guidelines when it comes to such commonplace childhood matters as fighting at school, telling you the truth, or keeping a friend’s secret. You must be certain that your child learns a set of moral standards, whether or not it is based in religion.

Set a time to discuss with your child the idea of choosing a religion for him or herself. As long as your youngster knows he or she is free to choose, and is aware of that early on, your child can proceed with spiritual learning with a realistic sense of purpose. Always in your child’s view will be the culmination of his or her upbringing—your child’s own adult choice about religion. So plant the seed for that freedom as soon as you begin communicating with your child about religion.

Remember that your role as an interfaith parent has the same responsibilities as any single-faith parent. No matter what your religion or situation, you must be gentle and understanding, open to your child’s questions and doubts about all religious beliefs. And, most importantly, you must not be defensive about your own views.

Let your child know that your family is a crucial part of God’s community, even if it is different from other families. Provide your son or daughter with the strength to be religiously different, and the tolerance to get along with people of different religious persuasions. Urge your child to use his or her unique situation to find his or her own spiritual path.

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