All My Children

If you have an interfaith marriage, what religion should you offer to your child? You have several weighty choices, each with its own strengths and weaknesses.

You can choose one religion or the other, from the husband’s or the wife’s background, and make that the religion of your new family. For example, a committed Catholic father and a nominal Protestant mother might elect to bring up their child as a Catholic. The main advantage of this child-rearing strategy is that the child is raised in a single religious environment, as most youngsters are. Whether they are sent to religious school or not, children have a better chance to embrace religion if they concentrate on one coherent set of beliefs and practices. For the parent whose religion is not observed, the fundamental task is to keep an eye out for any possible resentment or guilt. Each parent must be entirely comfortable with the family’s choice of religion.

The main disadvantage is that the socialization of children will be one-sided and fail to reflect the backgrounds and experiences of both parents. Also, this approach may alienate one side of the extended family. A child will still be curious about the neglected religion but will have no ready means to pursue that natural curiosity. A child may resent his or her parents for inhibiting such an important aspect of the family’s heritage. This approach can be quite confusing to children unless both parents and their relatives are very clear and consistent.

Not knowing about her father’s past was a prevailing concern for Karen, a young woman with whom I attended college. Karen was brought up to believe that she was Episcopalian, though her family never went to church or worshipped at home, and that both of her parents were Episcopalian by birth. Her family was not religious when Karen was a child, so she was reared with general Protestant values, but without a specific church affiliation. When Karen was twenty, she met and became engaged to a young Jewish man. After some consideration, she decided to convert to Judaism and began special classes to initiate the process. It was only then that Karen learned from her father that he was Jewish by birth. Karen was understandably upset and confused by this revelation. Prevented from learning of her father’s past as a little girl, Karen was now pursuing that religion as a young adult. Had she known of her father’s Jewish background, her decision to convert to Judaism might have been much easier.

An alternative to a single religious focus is to raise children in both parents‘ respective religions. Thus, a child of a Mormon father and a Catholic mother would learn about Mormonism and about Catholicism. This approach also has its benefits and its liabilities. The major benefits are: a child has the freedom to choose which religion he or she prefers; the family can celebrate more holidays and rituals, which can strengthen family bonds; the variety of ideas may inspire more vivid discussion about views of God; and a child exposed to such diversity may become more interested and open-minded about religion. These clear advantages need to be balanced in your decision by some equally salient liabilities, such as: the confusion a child may experience while learning the tenets of two religions when learning about one is hard enough; a family’s sense of not belonging to any one community or group; an implicit feeling of guilt and upset in a child who feels that he or she must ultimately choose between the parents who represent the religions; the absence of a coherent religious dogma, replaced by opposing messages that are difficult to follow. Thus, the two-religion child may have a richer childhood experience, but such a youngster may suffer from lack of clarity and direction.

The issue of conflicting messages about religion is troublesome for many interfaith families, and as such, it demands extra special care and attention. For example, a Jewish-Christian couple might have to deal with their different views of Jesus Christ. Is it reasonable for people of these different backgrounds to reach a consensus? How will each speak about Jesus? Is he God or a man?

In few other situations is the possibility of confusing a child so evident. But the paramount importance of self-awareness for each parent is also quite clear. Each parent must know himself and what he believes about Jesus. The Jewish parent may wish to consider any latent fear or prejudice about this topic. The Christian parent must be concerned with any prejudice on his or her part.

Both must avoid any subtle attempts to persuade or proselytize. Whatever the individual preferences of the couple, a uniform decision of how to treat this subject is mandatory. You may not agree with each other on every religious issue, but you must concur when it comes to expressing this difference in front of your child.

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