All My Children

The special circumstances of the interfaith family make consideration of religious ideas and practices a particularly complex issue. Growing up with parents of different religious backgrounds, or perhaps with parents who still have divergent views, a child must also deal with a variety of situations that can be obstructive or perplexing. For example, the child must be prepared to deal with the attitudes and responses of family, friends, and neighbors toward him or her. It is the duty of good parents to provide that preparation. Parents must discuss with their children how to react to questions and comments about their mixed religious heritage.

The grandparent-grandchild relationship is always especially important, and your efforts to foster that relationship must be two-directional. Explain to your child that your parents and in-laws are committed to their own backgrounds and religious practices, but that has nothing to do with their love for their grandchild.

Explain to your parents or in-laws that you are attempting to instill respect for their heritage and/or religion in your child, but that you also wish to teach your own ideas and to allow your child to think freely. Ask grandparents to try not to compete with you or other relatives when it comes to religious views. However, I would recommend that you urge grandparents to teach your child about their tradition and way of life, in a nonproselytizing manner.

You might say to a grandparent, “We would really like you to tell Billy and Linda about your religious beliefs so that they can learn about them and know you better. Please don’t try to convert them though, because I want my children to choose religious beliefs independently—without outside pressures. I know that you don’t want to place unnecessary weight on their spiritual development.”

Terry, a thirty-three-year-old father born into an Assembly of God family and married to a Lutheran woman, recounts how he has dealt with grandparent involvement. “My parents were pretty zealous at first and they would talk to my daughter at length about their views and how they are the path to God. I had to cool them off. I just asked them not to preach so much and just spend time with Jennifer. Since then, they’ve been fine. They’ve added a different dimension to our lives.”

Your child will also come across any number of situations where a nonfamily member will be curious about interfaith families. Other boys and girls at school may be especially interested, since the idea of two religions in one family may be new to them. Teachers and other adults may also offer a comment or two to your child. While most children and adults will be well-meaning, that may not be the case with everyone. Prepare your child for many possibilities, even a worst case scenario where another child might ridicule your child for being different.

You might teach your child to say to a person who is being sarcastic or somewhat prejudiced: “We believe in our ideas, and nobody has the right to put down another person’s beliefs just because they are different. You should change your attitude.” In the rare circumstance of a child who is grossly prejudiced or rude, encourage your youngster to refuse to pursue the conversation. Then urge your child to walk away and feel good about himself or herself. Tell your youngster to remember that a person who defends himself or herself with belief, neither backing down nor fighting back, walks with God who reflects all religious beliefs.

A frequent but difficult family experience for any child is a disagreement between mother and father. Keep in mind that children of interfaith families, aware of their unique family circumstances, may be particularly sensitive to tension.

Now you and your spouse can speak with your child candidly and directly. By the age of seven or eight, children can usually understand that as individuals you have different views. You should explain that as parents you may not always agree, but you still love each other and your child a great deal. You can calmly explain what you disagree about. If you have reached a consensus, say so. If you haven’t, you can tell your child that both of you are still working on it. Concerning a sensitive topic, such as whether to go to church or synagogue, only speak to your child when both of you are present. That strategy will protect against your child’s possible fear that he or she must decide between the two of you. You must never make your child feel the need to arbitrate between you; that would be painful and unfair. As your youngster grows up, he or she will then be able to make independent choices. Meanwhile, your task is to enrich, not determine, your child’s spiritual life and not make it more complicated than it needs to be.

Timmy, a ten-year-old Catholic child brought up by parents from Catholic and Protestant backgrounds, offers an interesting perspective on parental discord in the interfaith family. “When I was little, I would sometimes hear them arguing in their room. Once in a while, it was about church and stuff. I used to wonder what was going on. Then one day I asked them about it. I made them talk to me about it. I liked it that way better. My parents don’t fight much any more, so I guess I helped.”

Timmy’s point of view suggests that parents need to learn from their children, a maxim that can certainly apply to the interfaith family. The challenge for an interfaith family is to learn from each other and to remain open to the continuing lessons brought about by their unique family situation.

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