Jul 05 2008

Love Attraction, Romance and Lechery, parents must know for benefit of Children

Published by dodo at 3:44 am under Boys, Children, Daddy, Family, Girls, Mommy, Parenting

 

Attraction only to ‘bad’ Girls

There are boys who can feel no physical attraction to a girl they respect or have tender feelings for—they respond only to ‘bad’ girls or girls who would be considered entirely unsuitable by their parents. This disturbance is fairly common—for girls as well as boys—in the early years of adolescence, but tends to wear off in a majority of cases. In a few unfortunate individuals it persists for life. (A persistent case may yield to psychiatric treatment.)

The disturbance is caused by an excessive inhibition of sexuality in the six- to eight-year-old period, when the boy comes to feel a taboo that is particularly strong against any romantic interest in his mother, for whom his respect and tenderness are the highest. Next in order come his sisters and other ‘nice’ girls close to the family. And if, as in most such cases, he has grown up with an unusually strong feeling that sex is a dirty business, this makes it doubly sinful to associate it with good girls or women. All the sexual drive he allows himself to recognise is then channelled towards debased members of the opposite sex. Girls with the corresponding problem can feel no sexual response to men for whom they feel respect and tenderness.

Kids

The Lechery of Males

The fact that physical sexuality is generally more insistent in the male and is less tightly tied to the tender, romantic and spiritual side of love than in the female means that carefully brought-up girls may be shocked at one time or another by the crude behaviour of males—even those males who have high standards in other respects.

The boy who, on a date, suddenly makes advances to you without any warning or encouragement has been discussed earlier. He’s either inexperienced and unsure of himself or he’s a crude self-centred person who thinks only of his own pleasure.

You may be more startled some day to have a respectable older man—even the father of a good friend—make advances to you. He is being carried away by an infatuation that has overcome his good judgment. It’s a compliment of sorts. If he’s thinking at all, he’s hoping that you’re secretly fond of him and that you’ll enjoy or at least won’t mind his indiscretion. Your cue is promptly to make it very clear that you don’t feel that way about him and that he must stop. Usually the respectable man who acts so rashly is quickly cooled by this kind of refusal. It is apt to frighten him into a realisation that he may be gossiped about all over town or that the girl’s father might even bring him into court. The girl in these situations usually doesn’t need to scream or fight, as long as she is quite definite. But if she is half intrigued, only half indignant, the man will persist.

 

Scalp Collectors

There is a kind of boy or man who appears to have a great romantic interest in a girl, but who, as soon as she falls in love with him, loses interest. His special pleasure is in persuading a girl to love him; but he has no use for her love and may be heartless in abandoning her. He’ll be quick to seek another girl’s love. He is sometimes called a scalp collector. This pattern may sometimes be traced through psychoanalysis all the way back to the small boy’s frustrated yearning to win his mother for himself and his resentment at her for not responding as he wished. He’s unconsciously taking revenge on his girl-friends for what he considered, at five, his mother’s heartlessness. He’s usually an immature, self-centred person in addition. A girl or woman may be a scalp collector too.

Another pattern which is also related to the small child’s frustrated romantic yearning for his parent is that of the person of either sex who is always hopelessly in love with someone who doesn’t return the feeling, but is invariably uninterested in those who are romantically drawn to him.

 

Possessiveness and Jealousy

Some people are highly possessive in their love relationships, others hardly at all. Some enjoy being possessed; others hate it and struggle to get free.

Closely related but not quite the same thing is jealousy. There are lovers and spouses who will become jealous on the slightest provocation; and some of the people who are loved this way are pleased to be guarded so closely. Others realise that they cannot stand the confinement, and that the relationship must be given up to avoid endless misery.

There is another kind of individual, fairly common, male or female, who enjoys—unconsciously—making his beloved jealous; for him this is part of the pleasure of a love relationship. In most cases he doesn’t realise what he’s doing. Frequently he had a possessive, jealous parent of the opposite sex and learned unconsciously to tease the parent in this particular way from a young age. As an adult he may be attracted to and marry a possessive, jealous type; then the stage is set for an endless continuation of the same jealousy-provoking pattern.

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