Jun 17 2008

How twins learn to cope Separation

Published by dodo at 3:01 am under Boys, Children, Girls, Mommy, Parenting, Toddler

Adolescence is a time when we rework the experiences of infancy, particularly those of separation. For many twins this is unfinished business. They may have learned to take their first steps away from mother, but hand in hand, so to speak, with their twin. Instead of the loved blanket or teddy bear, toddler twins have each other. But whereas the blanket or teddy are only objects, the co-twin can temporarily take the mother’s place, giving instructions, being cross, or giving love. In this way those first steps towards independence can be undermined and separation is incomplete. Going to school may continue this experience: separation from mother, but still with the twin.

Twins may not be ready for the thrust towards separation until much later than their physical maturity would suggest, and parents who have quite decided that their adolescents have missed the `difficult’ stage altogether may find that it has only been postponed. So the adolescent twin, like a caged bird with the door open, may sense his need for freedom but lack the will to fly out, afraid of facing the world alone. Every encouragement is needed to help the bird flutter free with the door left open so that the return is not barred.

KidsTwins are not the only children who may feel anxious about separating. Singles can also have difficulties for a number of reasons: early ill health, loss of a loved relative or long periods of separation from the mother figure. These may require the separation to be reworked in adolescence.

Separation from the twin

Those who have been helped throughout their childhood to develop as separate individuals may, by adolescence, have let go of each other’s hands. It is often easier for non-identical twins who have acquired a greater sense of personal identity than for the identical twin who may have doubts as to whether he is complete in himself, or is one half of a whole. Similar looking non-identicals can have something of the same problem.

Those twins who have been together a great deal in childhood, particularly girls who are so often each other’s best friend, may have difficulty in letting each other go. Just as in adolescence children go through a period of rejecting their parents in order to make the break, so can twins go through a period of rejecting each other and their twinness in order to separate. There are sometimes quarrels between the pair and complaints about being a twin, with the blame put on the parents. Accusations and emotional outbursts are often part of the adolescent scene and part of the reason for the anger may be fear of separating. The wise parent tries not to become involved in arguments or take accusations too seriously. Youngsters can be angry one minute and the best of friends the next.

Twins should be helped to find acceptable ways of separating by allowing each other to have friends of their own as well as those in common, and to have some separate leisure activities. Twins who are making each other, and everyone else, miserable may be happier in separate schools. It can be surprising to see the change when they come home from school actually pleased to see each other!

Some twins, particularly identical twins, may decide that they do not wish to separate and continue to do everything together. Others may separate a little within a close bond. Twins must do what is right for them. Possibly the happiest twins are those who are able to allow each other freedom to develop independently whilst continuing a lifelong friendship. There is no doubt that the relationship between identical twins can be a special one and a friend who instinctively knows how the other feels and thinks can be a marvellous companion. Some friendships between non-identical twins can also have this quality.

In the case of mixed-sex twins, as we have already seen, the girl may sometimes wish to separate when the boy may not. Both twins need sympathetic handling. The girl can have feelings of guilt about separating from her twin which can lead to an ‘I don’t care, I’ll do what I like’ attitude, and rejection of her twin. If parents can show that they understand her need for separation and give support to both twins, they will be helped to cope with their feelings. On the other hand, some girls may feel unable to separate from their twin brother because of feelings of responsibility for him. But it is not always the girl who wants to break away. It may be the boy who feels that he can only be himself if he is on his own with his own group of friends.

However it has been found that some mixed-sex twins are more similar to identical twins than to non-identical twins in their relationship and may have a natural sympathy and understanding that can survive separation.

Twins who have been very close, of any type, may have difficulty in accepting outside friendships in which they are not allowed to share. Many childhood friendships are ended because of the jeal- ousy of the co-twin, or even because parents have been worried that one twin was being shut out.

In adolescence the search for a separate identity may lead to exclusive friendships with someone of the same or the opposite sex and, in the case of twins, the one who is excluded may feel unhappy and confused. He may do all he can to break it up, seeing the friend as a threat to the stability of the twin couple and perhaps to his own identity. Identical twins, and sometimes non-identical twins, may compromise by sharing the friend, or the date if it is someone of the opposite sex.

Twins generally start dating later than single children, though it will depend on how close the twin couple are. Twins are often shy, or may simply not be ready for dating. Other youngsters can feel uneasy about intruding on the twinship or uncertain about which one to choose. The sight of two identical-looking girls sitting side by side can be quite unnerving for some boys. Twins may feel more confident being together, but they are more likely to receive attention — as opposed to attract attention — if they separate. On the other hand twins can find it easier to make relationships with the opposite sex because they are used to sharing and being one of a pair.

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
How twins learn to cope Separation

Trackback URI | Comments RSS

Leave a Reply

LogoAlexa CounterFeedBurner Counter r();?>