Jun 17 2008

How twins learn to cope Separation continue…

Published by dodo at 3:07 am under Children, Family, Girls, Kids Bedding, Kids Clothing, Kids Game, Kids Party, Mommy, Parenting, Stroller, Toy

Separating from parents

Twins tend to retain a childlike quality for rather longer than single youngsters. Perhaps this is because they have shared their childhood with someone else and it is less easy to leave it behind, but it may also be due to the slight immaturity of language which can serve to retain the shared Secret Garden of infancy. Twins can often be refreshingly direct and have little use for humbug.

As we have seen, the twin’s relationship with his mother is linked in babyhood to his co-twin. Separation from mother is never complete, his twin is his umbilical cord. There may also be feelings of jealousy which make him unable to leave her to his rival.

These feelings can still be around in adolescence.

Twins tend to make decisions by committee and if parents are often co-opted on to the committee, then separation may mean an inability to make decisions. Teenage twin girls, in particular, tend to think out loud, often using their parents to talk through feelings and ideas, competing with each other for talking time.

During adolescence the teenager usually goes through a period of rejecting his parents‘ values in order to declare his independence. The values he chooses are usually those of the teenage group to which he belongs. Twins, who often act as each others’ conscience, may have difficulty in rejecting the values of their parents when they have been continually reinforced by their twin throughout childhood.

Twins are a group within a group and may not wish to exchange their values for those of others. They know they’re right, their twin agrees! They have a tendency to be rather conservative, with a small `c’. Husbands and wives often reinforce each other’s viewpoints in a similar way. Twins are therefore less likely to challenge their parents‘ decisions which they feel are basically right.

KidsTwins who have used their twin group constantly to undermine their parents‘ decisions will continue to reject their parents‘ authority in adolescence. However they only have the power if they stand together and this can make it more difficult for them to separate from each other. Apart, they are less powerful. It also makes it difficult for them to separate from their parents as they may be continually testing them out in an effort to find out where the boundaries of control lie. They become dependent on the negative emotional response of their parents.

If one of the twins has come to rely on negative attention, either because of bad behaviour or emotional problems, not only will he find it difficult to break out of the vicious circle, but his co-twin may as well. The co-twin’s role is to be the ‘good’ twin, the one on whom the parents can depend. Rejection may be out of the question.

The often fragile identity of the twin can also make it difficult for him to risk rejecting a part of his own identity, the part which is supported by his relationship with his parents. Research has shown that the typical adolescent rejection of parents is often not found in twins: problems in adolescence are more likely to be those connected with identity than rejection of the parents‘ authority. Identical twins, who may be closer to each other than to their parents, may do their rejecting together. Certainly if twins wish to challenge their parents they usually find that they are more successful when they support each other.

Twins whose parents have joined the twin group may find themselves in an almost impossible situation; they can neither separate from their twin nor from the parent.

Even if parents have not joined the twin group they can find it very difficult to let go of their twins as they may have benefited in many ways from having twins in the family. There is a saying that `if you want to make friends you should get a dog’, but twins will act as an excellent substitute, though they can’t be bought at the local pet shop! Parents who may never have seen themselves as in any way ’special’ may change their view of themselves when they have twins. It can be difficult adjusting to children growing up and leaving home, but when those children are twins some of the glamour goes with them. Twins also demand extra skills and parents may feel at a loss when it seems these are no longer needed.

Parents who want to help their twins to let go are advised to prepare themselves well in advance, rather like preparing for retirement. The focus of attention can be shifted slowly from the twins to other interests and hobbies as the twins become more independent. If parents have allowed themselves their own space as the twins and other children have been growing up, it will be easier to find activities that they can share when the teenage children are busy with their own lives.

Twins who have been treated, and respected, as individuals and who have been encouraged to do things separately as well as together, will have the confidence to grow up and become people in their own right.

Many twins keep in close touch both with their twin and their parents, and sometimes with their twin through their parents.

Our twins are constantly quarrelling and fighting with each other. Life is impossible.

They are probably trying hard to separate and need all the help that they can get. Do they have separate rooms? This may be difficult, but it is often better for each to share with another child than to spend every hour of the day and night with each other. They need space to be on their own. Encourage them to join different clubs and have different interests. Take each twin out on his own on a regular basis. They would probably find it a lot easier if they were at different schools or colleges, though this may not be possible in your area.

One of my twins stays in her room all the time and is always crying. Now she doesn’t want to go to school. I keep asking her what’s the matter, but she says she doesn’t know.

First of all take her to the doctor and have a thorough checkup. If there is nothing wrong, talk to her teacher and find out if there are any problems at school, either with work or friends.

This is a time when some girls can feel sad without any special reason, but it’s important that she goes to school regularly or she will have a genuine reason for becoming worried or depressed.

Try not to get upset too, or get into long discussions, as this is a way of giving negative attention and can make it more difficult for her to be cheerful. She may be feeling very uncertain about herself. Ask for her help and advice and give her some special responsibilities. Show her that you appreciate what she has to offer. Encourage her to do more out-of-school activities.

My fifteen-year-old twins get annoyed so easily if their meal isn’t ready on time or their clothes aren’t ironed. There seems to be no pleasing them.

It sounds as if your twins are a very close pair and they’ve discovered that they are more powerful when they work together. Help them to separate by taking back some of the power. They are old enough to iron their own clothes, and this could be one of their tasks. And the meal should be on the table when it suits you not them. It can be very helpful if both parents work together as two parents can often support each other in being firm.

The twins are old enough to make a meal themselves sometimes and might enjoy it if they were given the opportunity. Perhaps they could take it in turns to prepare a meal at the weekend — one at a time, not both together. The rest of the family, including the co- twin, could go for a walk or amuse themselves in some other way for half an hour before the meal is served.

Twins, as with single children, can sometimes make us feel guilty that we’re not doing enough for them, but it’s important that they are given the chance to do things for themselves.

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How twins learn to cope Separation continue…

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