Jun 08 2008

Cope Parenting of Twins part 2

Published by dodo at 1:05 am under Books, Boys, Children, Education, Family, Gift, Girls, Kid, Kids Bedding, Mommy, Parenting, Stroller, Toy

It is difficult to break away from parents to whom you are close and the adolescent often has feelings of guilt. For this reason the magnifying glass may be used to exaggerate parents‘ faults and attitudes in order to justify breaking away — parents who are too understanding can actually make the process more difficult. Parents who seem unlike the ‘ideal’ parents presented by the media or decided upon by the larger adolescent group to whom the child belongs may be criticized. Many adolescents become so self- conscious about themselves, that this self-consciousness is enlarged to include the parents, who become a constant source of embarrassment to the teenager. This can be a testing time for parents, particularly if they begin to look at themselves and each other through the adolescent’s magnifying glass. Compromise and tolerance are as essential between parents as they are between parents and adolescent, and parents can set an example that is well worth passing on.

Privacy is an important part of separateness and this is often difficult to find in a family with twins. Children need to learn to respect each other’s space, both physical and psychological. Twins often seem to respect physical space — this is your side of the room, this is mine — but may disregard the need for psychological privacy, not only of each other, but also of brothers and sisters. They will often tell the parents about how another child in the family is getting on, both inside and outside school. Though reassuring for the parent, it can be upsetting to the brother or sister. Parents, too, need their privacy if they are to develop their own relationship.

KidsParents and children are preparing for a new phase of life and may experience similar feelings of loss for what has gone before and anxiety about what lies ahead. They may even both be experiencing physical changes. This is a time when parents value the support of partners, family and friends, and may understand the adolescent’s need for friendships, although they are not always the ones that the parents would have chosen for him.

The adolescent, uncertain of his identity, seeks special friendships as mirrors in which to find himself. Problems can arise when an exclusive friendship may seem to threaten the identity of the twin who is on the outside. Adolescents do not always take a longterm view, and it may seem to the twin who is left out that he is about to lose his twin for life. Parents can be swept along on the tide of his fear and insist that he is included in the friendship, which becomes a threesome.

Eventually one twin may wish to marry or form a permanent relationship. Most parents would like to see their twins form a new partnership, but if the first attempts at forming a special friendship fail then it becomes progressively more difficult and frightening. Parents should give their approval to new friendships, rather than add to the feelings of guilt that the youngster is probably experiencing, and encourage the other twin to find friends of his own.

Amongst same-sex twins, discarded friends may become the friend of the other twin or they may be deliberately poached causing bad feelings between the pair. There is little that parents can do. Identical twins often seem to have a need to share everything with their co-twin and may even deliberately have encouraged the transfer. Some identical boys share their girlfriends, the girl occasionally believing that she is only going out with one of them if the twins are used to playing tricks of identity. This happens less frequently in the case of identical girls, though they may go out in a threesome. However if twins of both sexes are helped to respect each other’s property and privacy as they are growing up, hopefully they will also respect each other’s friendships.

It is just as important that ‘no’ means ‘no’ for this age group. Adolescents will push parents to their limits and it is much easier if they know just where these limits are, though they may be negotiable. It can often be difficult for a youngster to say ‘no’ when he’s out with his friends and it can help if he can blame his parents and not lose face. He also continues to need a framework in which he can exercise an increased amount of freedom. The adolescent needs to feel safe, and he won’t feel safe if he’s given too much freedom too soon.

The trouble with adolescents is that they are adolescents. In other words, they are children some of the time and young adults some of the time and nobody knows, least of all the youngster, which it’s going to be at any given time. The youngster is often resentful at being treated like a child when he thinks he’s being grown up, or vice versa, but it’s impossible for parents always to get it right.

Parents need to be consistent in giving love, even if the adolescent sometimes rejects it, and consistent in setting limits, even if the youngster sometimes resents it. The wise parent knows that the happiest children are those who are neither rushed too quickly into adulthood, nor discouraged from taking on the responsibilities and decisions that are appropriate to their age and maturity.

Most parents have a good relationship with their adolescent twins. However, as we have seen, a less confident twin can resort to attention-seeking behaviour which can split the pair into the `good’ twin and the ‘bad’ twin. Both then get locked into the parents, the one by having to remain as a support and unable himself to indulge in rejecting behaviour, the other because he is caught in an immature emotional vicious circle that he cannot break. The deadlock can only be broken by using similar methods to those that have been suggested for the younger age groups. The minimum of fuss and withdrawal of attention for negative attention- seeking and the maximum of praise for acceptable behaviour. Individual time with both adolescents is essential so that fears and worries are not bottled up. Commonly twins take it in turns to be the ‘good’ twin, but they may sometimes get stuck.

Parents should avoid being drawn into discussions about physical appearance — none of us is perfect — but should tell their twins when they are looking smart or attractive. Crash dieting should be avoided: a sensible balanced diet is best, and regular family meals help to keep the lines of communication open. Mealtimes are often the only times when all the family meet together. Mealtimes should be as relaxed and enjoyable as possible. Table manners are best treated with the minimum of attention, but parents don’t have to listen to a youngster with his mouth full; he can wait for a hearing until he’s ready to talk, and not eat at the same time.

Teenage twins can be very persuasive if they have both decided that they want to go to a disco or a pop concert, or some other leisure activity, but parents often feel that there is safety in numbers and may allow them to stay out later or go to a party so long as they are together. They know that their twins are less likely to misbehave when they have their ‘minder’ with them and are less vulnerable. However, this can also make it more difficult for twins to break away from each other and may reinforce their feeling that it is not safe to be alone.

Twins, like all adolescents, are often particularly good at making parents feel guilty or anxious in order to get what they want. (Parents are sometimes quite good at it too!) For example, mothers can often find it difficult to know whether their teenagers are really suffering from some vague illness and should not go to school (or college) or whether they are just trying to get some extra time at home. A good guide is whether they make a remarkable recovery every Friday evening, only to have a relapse on Sunday night or Monday morning. If they can go out with their friends on Saturday, then they are fit enough to go to school on Monday. Always check with the doctor, though.

There may be other reasons why they want to stay at home, such as separation for the first time from their twin or difficulty in coping with work, or both. College may be the first experience of separation for some twins and it may take them rather longer to settle. It sometimes helps if they can visit each other so that they can have a mental picture of where the other twin is and what he’s doing so he doesn’t feel so cut off. A great deal depends on the individual twin. Adolescents are also very sensitive to any difficulties that parents may he having and may respond to the parents‘ needs.

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
Cope Parenting of Twins part 2

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