Jun 08 2008

Cope Parenting of Twins part 1

Published by dodo at 1:03 am under Baby, Books, Children, Education, Family, Parenting, Toddler

All adolescents go through physical and emotional changes which affect relationships within the family. They can be up one day and down the next. They can be difficult, argumentative and moody, or delightful, helpful and friendly all in the space of the same week.

Adolescents tend to look at life through a magnifying glass. The singer is not just a singer, but a ‘pop idol’, clothing is often extreme, friendships are intense. Those whom they don’t like may be seen as enemies. Feelings within the family are also magnified. Past jealousies and resentments may now be expressed ‘times ten’ and parents of twins can experience considerable guilt at what they appear to have done to their adolescent children. The more they try to placate them, the worse it seems to get. It’s helpful to remember that even adolescents who are not twins or who have not got twins in the family, often accuse their parents of being uncaring or of not loving them enough. If parents do not allow themselves to become upset by these and other accusations, they will be ready for the same child when he comes back, sometimes minutes later, in a different mood having quite forgotten what was said.

When the adolescent refuses to allow an argument to end or continues to reproach the parent or fails to get the message that his behaviour is unacceptable, he should be asked to go to his room. Alternatively the parent himself can pull out of the situation by going into another room or, if that fails, taking a walk around the block or going for a five-minute drive in the car. This shows the youngster that the parent means business and prevents the build up of negative attention. It does not mean that the youngster has ‘won’. He has only won if he has succeeded in making the parent give him negative attention by getting angry, getting upset, or being drawn into an argument.

KidsThe older child who has shared his early years with the twins, may, like them, need to rework his early experience of separation.

But in his case it could be because he had to separate too much too soon, and finds the idea of loss frightening. He may return to toddler habits, tantrums and demanding bahaviour, which can result in rejection by his parents. This tends to reinforce his early experience. By not responding to bids for negative attention and giving the maximum of positive attention, the adolescent will be helped to find more acceptable ways of behaving which will not bring him so continuously into conflict with his parents. Praising a youngster who seems bent on provoking the parent can often be the most difficult step, but the youngster is so often one who lacks confidence that this is an essential ingredient to improving his self- image. He can then separate without rejection, and have greater confidence in himself and his ability to cope with whatever life may bring.

Twins are sometimes late arrivals in a family where there are already older children who are approaching, or who have already reached, adolescence. The children may be delighted at the idea of having twins in the family, but twins involve a lot of time and attention and there are few parents who can honestly say that family life has remained unchanged. A single baby can sometimes fit in with the life style of older children, but with two it is usually the other way round. Some older children will respond well to the challenge, others may become more demanding of the parents‘ time, attention, and often money.

Adolescents tend to be self-conscious and lacking in confidence, although this is sometimes disguised by showing-off, aggressive behaviour, or by exploiting their attractiveness to the opposite sex. Those who have found an acceptable way of being successful in adult terms, by being good at schoolwork, artistically or in the use of a practical skill, will have less need to assert themselves in other ways. Adolescents need approval as plants need the sun, and there is no one without a skill of some sort, although it may not be the one that the parents might have hoped for or expected. If children have aptitudes, parents can reinforce them by praise and encouragement, but they cannot create those that do not exist. Constant criticism, far from improving performance, will persuade a youngster that he can never measure up to his parents‘ expectations and he might as well give up. Clearly a job badly done does not deserve praise, but a job willingly done does and so does a job that is performed better than the time before.

Adolescent twins are continually comparing themselves and being compared by others. They may deliberately choose to follow different interests, subjects and careers in order to assert their differences when their preferences may be very similar. The less that twins are subject to comparison within the home and outside it, the greater their freedom of choice. The quality of any given task should be judged against their own best, not that of their twin. The advice on giving praise included in Part Three applies equally to the adolescent group. They need to know when they have done well and feel that their parents are proud of them.

Being grown up is a two-way process. It means being given more independence and freedom on the one hand, and more responsibility on the other. Youngsters need to be given responsibility not only for doing some of their own tasks — making their own bed, tidying and cleaning their own room — but also others around the home. They can then feel that they are accepted as adults and are making their own contribution. This might be linked to extra pocket money, if they have not got a part-time job, or extra privileges. But just as parents like their contribution to be appreciated, so does the youngster. No one likes to be taken for granted!

Adolescents are usually very self-centred. Finding out who they are means finding out about their bodies, their feelings, their relationships and, of course, about their needs. These may not take into account those of the parents. Parents also have rights, and the adolescent has to learn to respect these if his own are to be respected.

Adolescents need time on their own with their parents, and the importance of separate bedtimes for twins and older child cannot be over-stressed. Twins may exert a great deal of pressure to be allowed to stay up as late as an older brother or sister, but if this can be resisted the time can be of great value both to the older child and to the parents. When the children are very close in age, their interests will usually ensure that there are some times when each child is on his or her own with the parents.

Some older children may join the twin group and have difficulty in separating because they feel that they cannot abandon the group

or because the twin group contributes to their own sense of identity. These children are often very caring and may maintain a long and close relationship with the twins, even when they themselves marry and have a family of their own.

Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)
Cope Parenting of Twins part 1

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