All My Children

The closer the twin pair, the greater the distress when one twin dies, at whatever age. For the identical twin, there may be a shock that is similar to losing a limb. If twins have been helped to find a sense of personal identity during childhood, with their own individual friends and interests as well as those in common, they will have some support to help them with the trauma of what may seem like the loss of one half of themselves. Nothing can lessen their grief, but it can be made bearable if every small activity is not a constant reminder of the absence of their twin.

After the acute phase of grief is over, a child of school age should return to school, and his friends encouraged to invite him round so that he does not get trapped by his own fears and lack of confidence. Children in middle childhood are not usually frightened by the idea of death and can sometimes appear quite callous.

Twins of all ages always have mixed feelings about each other, however close they may appear to be, and when they lose their twin, older twins may still need to be reassured that bad thoughts cannot hurt people. These worries may surface as nightmares which often bring an older child to a child guidance clinic.

Not only can parents idealize the lost twin, but the lone twin himself may idealize the lost companion of his infancy. He would have protected him, understood him, loved him. This can sometimes make it difficult for him to come to terms with life as it is, particularly if he is over-protected by his parents.

When a loved one dies, anger is sometimes directed towards the dead person — ‘Why did they leave me? Why did they go away?’ A baby, a bringer of love, is often seen as an unacceptable object of anger, particularly by children, and more so if it has been a ‘good’ baby. So the family have to direct their anger elsewhere, perhaps towards each other, or perhaps, for a child, towards his friends and teachers at school.

Sometimes a lone twin, or an older brother or sister, becomes stuck with his angry feelings. If he has had to suppress his grief because his parents have been unable to talk about the death or were too overcome with grief themselves, his anger may not surface until later when it can be misunderstood. His feelings of anger against himself may make him push others away from him, feeling that he does not deserve their love, only punishment. Or he may unconsciously behave in such a way as to invite the punishment that he feels he deserves.

Not only does a bereaved child’s behaviour sometimes change at school — a normally well-behaved child becoming aggressive, or a normally happy outward-going child becoming withdrawn — but, as in adult grief, he may have great difficulty in concentrating on his schoolwork. Daydreaming, tearfulness, not being able to answer simple questions may all be part of the experience of loss, but should not give cause for concern. However, it is of the utmost importance that teachers are made aware of the situation, otherwise they may misinterpret the signs. Some children become temporary school refusers, fearful of who next may disappear from their world.

Many children become clingy. Giving them the opportunity to talk is the best way to help them to grieve. This, and the security of a routine enables them to work through their feelings.

All those who have lost a loved one know of the experience of constantly seeing the person on every street, but the identical twin may be haunted by his own reflection. Unlike the non-identical twin who, as he grows older, will leave his twin behind him in childhood, the identical twin may look in the mirror and say, ‘This is how my brother would have looked if he were here now.’

Twins who have been bereaved as children may unconsciously always be looking for a partner to replace the lost brother or sister. Zazzo tells of a younger brother who lost one of a pair of older twin sisters. His sister was inconsolable and withdrew into her shell, until he willingly substituted himself for her lost twin. Parents who were bereaved of a twin in childhood may seek a twin in one of their own children of the same sex as their twin; even a grandmother may seek the lost twin in a grandchild.

Nothing can really prepare a twin for the loss, through death, of his partner. If the loss is in childhood, before separation has taken place, or in adulthood when a decision to stay together has been reached, then he has lost not only his twin but his twinness, his accepted place in society. There is a similarity to the situation of a widow whose status in her community has been totally dependent upon her husband. The sense, not only of loss, but of being lost, cannot be underestimated, and it may take the twin child or adult some time before he gains sufficient confidence to tackle life on his own.

It is important that parents and children share their grief. If a child feels that he should suppress his grieving because he must protect his parents, or if parents are unable to grieve so that the child may think that grieving is unacceptable, then it is likely to surface again in adolescence or later, when it may be much more damaging. Parents should not be in too much of a hurry to clear out a dead twin’s belongings; it may be better to do this gradually and find out which of them has importance for the twin who is on his own.

When a twin is lost in adolescence, feelings from infancy and the work on separation and identity may remain unresolved. Parents should be aware that there may be a need to work through these feelings with professional help, although talking within the family, and with friends, can be a great healer.

A family that has come through a tragedy such as this will find that the bond between them has become closer and that they have strengths of which they were previously unaware.

Perhaps the most surprising fact is the importance both to the parents and the survivor that even if he lost his twin at birth, sometimes even before birth, he is still a twin. His co-twin is an ever present reality.

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