Jun 06 2008

And then there was one part 2

Published by dodo at 5:17 am under Baby, Books, Children, Education, Family, Kids Bedding, Mommy, Parenting, Pregnancy, Stroller, Toddler, Toy

If we are given a little time to show we care and to make our peace it is easier to live with ourselves afterwards. That is why it is so important for parents to have the opportunity of nursing a dying child or baby. It is important, too, for the other children in the family to make their farewells.

It can be helpful to have a loving mother figure in the house, such as a grandmother or a sister, to enable the parents to have time to grieve whilst young children and the co-twin baby can continue to feel good and lovable.

`Michael only came to visit, he couldn’t stay, but John will stay and be your baby brother,’ might be a helpful explanation for a three-year-old who could feel that his bad feelings had hurt the baby, or that he had somehow wished him away.

When twins are identical, parents sometimes feel that by offering the survivor the love that they would have given to his twin — in other words, by giving him twice the love — they are in some way giving what they owe to the dead baby. They are also acknowledging the survivor’s loss. There can often be a special relationship between these survivors and their parents. It is possible that even such young children feel some of the guilt of the survivor — ‘Why me?’ — and try to justify their survival through their own lives.

KidsThe identical twin is more than a reminder of the dead twin. The parents know how the baby would have looked, or perhaps behaved, if he had lived. The lost non-identical twin is remembered at every birthday, but would he perhaps have been more successful, more loving, not have spoken to his parents like that? If one of a mixed pair, might he have been more of a companion, someone to share things with, the son, or daughter, they never had? The surviving twin may live constantly under the shadow of the dead one, feeling that he can never be good enough.

Parents who have lost a single baby can sometimes find solace, if they have been allowed sufficient space to grieve for the first, in the birth of their next baby. This baby can never replace the first, but it can often help to heal the wound if the decision to have another child has not been taken too quickly and the child is wanted for himself.

For parents of twins this is impossible. A new baby can never restore his companion to the surviving twin or the dream of being the proud parents of twins. There is also the loss for parents and the surviving twin of that precious enjoyment of each other in the first few months of life, perhaps longer, because of the shadow of the lost baby.

There are now many self-help groups for parents who have lost a baby, and the local Twins Club will put parents who have lost a twin in touch with others who have experienced a similar loss, although going to meetings and seeing parents who have both their twins may he too painful. Talking and sharing with others can be the greatest help in the long term. If the baby dies at birth or soon after, then the talking begins in the hospital, sharing memories with the hospital staff and then continuing at home with family and friends. If it is a cot death, then the doctor and health visitor may be an added source of comfort and reassurance. But parents who have suffered a similar loss may be the ones who have the most to offer.

The lone twin

There is reason to believe that if a twin is lost during pregnancy, the survivor may be aware of his loss, even if only at an unconscious level, and may feel some responsibility.

If the lost twin is sometimes talked about it will not only help the parents, but help the child. The child’s feelings and fears can be expressed and parents may be able to reassure him. The example of the seedlings which do not all grow in the window box or garden can be shown not to be the fault of the ones that do, but one of the happenings of nature.

The longer the twins both survive, the greater the shock to the survivor when his co-twin dies. Young twins may show the same separation anxiety when a co-twin has to go into hospital, as a child will show when separated from his mother. The shock of a cot death will affect all the family, but it can affect a twin’s basic trust in the world around him. If the parents are overcome with grief then there may be a need for a temporary mother figure, but many parents find that the needs of the survivor help them through this difficult time.

Because a young baby has difficulty in distinguishing himself from the world about him, the ‘me’ from the ‘not me’, he may believe that others have the same feelings as himself: ‘If I love, I am loved, if I hate, I am hated.’ If he then has angry feelings towards the twin with whom he is sharing his mother and the twin dies, he may not only have feelings of guilt, but feelings that he will be punished.

Photographs of both twins together (for the twin that is bereaved at birth, taken in the hospital if possible) will help the survivor to see his twin as someone separate from himself, and if later the death is talked about and he learns to understand that he was in no way responsible, he will be helped to come to terms with the death.

The belief of a child that he has magical abilities is greatest between the ages of three and five, and a twin who is unfortunate enough to lose his partner at this time may feel deeply responsible and invite punishment.

The greatest help that can be given to a child of this age is to give a great deal of love, without letting the child take the control from the parents, and to give no negative attention. In this way the child learns that he is ‘good’, and that he is not able to be destructive. The temptation can be to give in to a bereaved toddler in order to make up to him for his loss, but this will increase his sense of omnipotence. If parents are finding difficulty in handling the child, they may be advised to seek help from a child guidance clinic.

Talking and sharing is important, too, although it may be painful to the parents. The child’s questions can then be answered and his fears brought into the open. Long adult discussions should be avoided. However, in the case of twins, language may not yet be sufficiently developed for much discussion to take place and the talking may come later.

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And then there was one part 2

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