Jun 06 2008

And then there was one part 1

Published by dodo at 5:15 am under Baby, Books, Child Care, Children, Daddy, Education, Family, Kids Bedding, Mommy, Newborn, Parenting, Pregnancy, Stroller, Toy

The bereaved parents

The loss of a child at any stage brings heartbreak as there are so many might-have-beens, but the loss of a twin is somehow perpetuated in the survivor. There is also the loss of something that is not given to everyone: the privilege of having two babies, an achievement that is out of the ordinary.

The way that hospital staff react to the death of a stillborn or newborn twin is of great importance. The birth of twins in the maternity ward is always exciting and staff may deal with their own feelings of loss by denying those of the parents. They may also feel that parents should be grateful that they have one healthy baby when others, less fortunate, have none. The mother and father may be given the message that it is unacceptable to grieve. The baby is unceremoniously disposed of as though it had never existed. The grief may come later and be diagnosed as post-natal depression, or be delayed until the birth of the next baby.

All parents need to know and understand about the death of their baby. If a stillborn baby is damaged in some way, the parents‘ imagination may be far worse than the reality. If they can see and hold the dead baby and talk to someone who is in a position to answer their questions, they will find it easier to come to terms with the death.

KidsDr Elizabeth Bryan has found that a photograph of a baby that is stillborn or who dies before it can be taken home can be of tremendous solace to parents and later to a surviving twin. It will also help to separate the two babies in the mother’s mind. Even a picture of the final scan can be helpful. Parents also need to know whether their babies were identical or non-identical.

If parents are able to nurse their sick baby in hospital, even if it only has a brief time to live, a great deal of loving and caring can be given during its short life and parents can feel that they did all they could for their baby. This can make it easier to let him go, and if there is a surviving twin the parents can be freed to love the remaining baby. However, before they can do so the parents need some space to grieve on their own. Perhaps the mother could be moved to a smaller side-ward and given extra visiting time to be with her husband and family. The importance of parents sharing their grief cannot be emphasized too much, or each may build a wall around their feelings which can cause lasting damage to their relationship. If there is no period of mourning, the grief may return later under a different guise.

Hospitals can sometimes be in too much of a hurry to dispose of a dead baby and, in the midst of their grief, many parents do not realize that they could have a small ceremony and a proper burial. Parents have said that they have sometimes doubted the reality of the second baby, but a shared service and a tiny grave, or perhaps a rose bush planted in the garden of remembrance can give their memory a focal point.

After the first shock and disbelief, feelings of anger may be uppermost in the parents‘ minds. Why did the doctors not save him? Why did they not respond to signals from the mother that something was wrong? Endless questions that need patient answers. Sometimes the parents‘ anger may be turned against the partner or against the surviving twin. What right had he to survive when his twin died? He must have been too greedy, too big, a cuckoo in the nest destroying his brother. The dead twin becomes idealized, perfect, deserving of love, the survivor undeserving, a usurper, the bad baby. If a mother becomes stuck in her anger, then professional help will usually assist her to move on, but the anger is a natural stage in grieving and, if understood and shared, will gradually decrease. A mother who is aware of her feelings towards the surviving baby, but finds them unacceptable, may compensate by over-indulging the child so that he becomes powerful and difficult. She is unable to be firm but finds it progressively harder to control her angry feelings. He becomes the bad child of her imagination.

Once the mother understands that these feelings are normal and will pass and that she is not helping the surviving child by indulging him, she can begin to set limits and refuse to respond to bids for negative attention. Good behaviour is rewarded with praise. Once the child has learned that ‘no’ means ‘no’ and has found how he can please his mother, a loving relationship can grow and the child will be freed from a growing belief in his own badness.

Another aspect of grief is a loss of faith in life itself, a loss of confidence that a child can survive or that the parent is able to protect him. This loss of confidence can be seen in children who have lost one parent and who will not let the other parent out of their sight. This same instinct may cause a parent to over-protect the surviving child, particularly after the cot death of one twin. It is known that there is a greater risk to the surviving twin, but this is principally within the first few days, and parents can feel more confident once a month has passed. However, even when the co- twin died at birth and the survivor is a healthy baby, parents may transmit their worries and fears to him.

Surviving twins are sometimes said to be lonely children, but a child who lacks confidence in himself will often find it difficult to make friends. He may also be a child who finds it difficult to cope with the rough and tumble of the playground.

Loving parents can find it difficult to be cross or deny the child what he wants if he is a precious survivor, and this, too, can contribute to difficulties that he may have in making relationships.

For a child to feel really secure, he needs limits and guidelines and parents who have faith that he will be able to deal with life. Even if they feel that he is vulnerable, they can sometimes manage to disguise their feelings and give him a little push into the world. If he feels that his parents believe in him he will surprise them and himself, and all concerned will gain a real sense of confidence in his ability to tackle life on his own.

Sudden death always carries a stronger sense of guilt, whoever it is, at whatever age. The endless self-questioning. Even more so in the case of a cot death, where there simply are no answers to be found, and yet they are continually sought. The parents feel that if they can find answers, then perhaps they can protect the other twin; without answers, how can they help him? And there is the guilt over things left undone that could have been done, of having been tired and perhaps irritable and impatient, with a child irretrievably lost. Of not having picked up the cuddly toy the day before when he dropped it.

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And then there was one part 1

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