May 16 2008

Late Adolescence: The Art of De-Parenting

Published by dodo at 5:57 am under Books, Boys, Child Care, Children, Daddy, Education, Family, Mommy, Newborn, Parenting

The conclusion of the teen years and the beginning of the twenties often bring stability to a number of areas but also raise new issues. Physical appearance is rarely the ongoing concern that dominated early adolescence, and efforts to improve looks will not only be more common but generally more productive. Direct peer-group manipulation of opinions and actions will be less obvious, although attitudes about the issues of life are not likely to be set in concrete.

Your advice and values will be more readily accepted, acknowledged, or at least tolerated by your older adolescent. By now your offspring will probably be wiser and perhaps sadder as well. While active rebellion is likely to subside as the twenties arrive, some consequences of unwise behavior during the past few years may not go entirely away. Hopefully, however, your teenager will arrive at this final phase without having made any difficult detours, or at least without obtaining any serious or painful scars. But whether the past few years have been smooth sailing or stormy weather, the dawn of independent adult life now looms on the horizon. Your parenting job isn’t over until you have escorted your grown child across this threshold into the world of grown-up rights and responsibilities. In a real sense, you will work yourself out of a full-time job.

This process includes a number of transitions that may prove as challenging for you as for your teenager. You must progress

Kids

  • from parent to caring friend and confidant;
  • from gravy train to career guide;
  • from being in charge to giving friendly advice—if asked;
  • from bailing out and mopping up to allowing some consequences to be suffered.

As in all previous parenting tasks, extremes should be avoided. Give a teenager too much independence too early and he may suffer serious harm on the campus of the School of Hard Knocks. But hold the reins too tight for too long, and you may endure one of these equally painful scenarios:

  • A strong-willed young adult who literally tears himself out of your sphere of influence, leaving gaping emotional wounds.
  • A compliant “good boy” who never learns how to make his own decisions or earn his own way in the world.
  • A rebellious and reckless adolescent/young adult who repeatedly gets into hot water and is always promptly bailed out by concerned and caring parents. Remember that the father of the prodigal son didn’t rescue him from the pigpen. The son had to suffer the consequences of his foolishness and then come to his senses by himself.
  • The adult child who hangs out at the happy homestead long after his formal education has come to an end and sees no urgency in seeking his own means of support.

There are a number of reasons parents might feel reluctant to release their grown children to stand on their wobbly feet:

  • The world seems a lot more treacherous than it was a generation ago. Parents who deeply desire that their children maintain spiritual commitments and ethical standards into adulthood are genuinely concerned about turning them loose into a culture that has lost its moral compass.
  • The prolonged educational process required for many careers can keep young adults in a state of dependence on their parents for years. If you’re paying those college bills and perhaps offering room and board (or more) during a graduate program, it is difficult not to keep some strings attached along the way.
  • The costs of living independently—a place to live, transportation, food, clothing—can be awfully steep, keeping kids in the nest long after they are grown. Young married couples who are struggling to make ends meet may even be tempted (or forced) to move back in with Mom and Dad.
  • A child with a significant physical, intellectual, or psychiatric handicap may need parenting well into the twenties or beyond. Even in these difficult situations, however, it is healthy to release as much responsibility and foster as much independence as possible.
  • Parents may have invested so much of their lives into their children’s formative years that the dawning of adulthood strikes them with apprehension or even dread: “What will we do when they’re gone?!”
  • This difficult task of letting go can be accomplished by keeping the big picture in mind literally from the moment you hear that first cry in the delivery room. Your child is priceless, but she is only on loan to you for a season. Furthermore, while she can’t do anything for herself as a newborn, from that time forward you will be in an ongoing process of transferring more responsibilities and decisions to her. Your two-year-old should be feeding herself, your five-year-old tying her own shoes, and your eight-year-old picking out what to wear to school—even though you can do it more neatly, quickly, or skillfully.

As the adolescent years pass, your teenager needs to hear repeatedly that you will always love her (whatever paths she chooses) but that your parenting role will be coming to an end much sooner than she realizes. Your public-service announcements are as important for the strong-willed fifteen-year-old who is stomping her feet and demanding more freedom (”I’m not a child anymore!”) as they are for the laid-back eighteen-year-old who needs to know that the free meal ticket won’t be issued forever. The responsibilities you transfer will become more complex—driving a car, balancing a checkbook, and (scariest of all) picking a spouse, among many others. But by walking with your adolescent through these processes step-by-step, your final release will seem like a small step rather than a plunge off a cliff.

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Late Adolescence: The Art of De-Parenting

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