May 14 2008

Know who (besides you) and what is influencing your teenager part 4

Published by dodo at 7:38 pm under Adolescent, Books, Child Care, Daddy, Education, Family, Kids Bedding, Mommy, Parenting, Stroller, Teenager

School and its curriculum

It goes without saying that your teenager’s schoolwork should include the basics: reading, writing, math, history, and so forth. In general, it’s reasonable to assume that your local schools are staffed by men and women who take their job seriously and have their students’ best interests at heart. If your teenager is having problems understanding the material or getting the work done, you will want to review some basic strategies in Special Concerns.

But what if the problem isn’t academics but personality or ideology? What if a particular teacher seems to have it in for your son or daughter, or a class appears to be pushing a political or social agenda that disagrees with yours? What if the family-life or sex-education unit is contradicting everything you have been teaching at home? And, more important, what if your adolescent is subjected to ridicule for expressing a contrary point of view?

Once again, a calm but purposeful approach is in order. You shouldn’t abandon your teenager to fend completely for herself. But you should avoid charging into any situation at school with righteous indignation and verbal guns blazing.

First, get all the facts. Find out what “My teacher doesn‘t like me!” really means. What exactly was said? Is there a pattern? Can you get some written material from the class to look at? Is it possible that your teenager is primarily at fault because of disrespectful or inattentive behavior? It may help to talk to someone else in the same class to get confirmation that a problem really does exist.

KidsYou may be able to coach your adolescent through the situation by suggesting ways to de-escalate a conflict (including apologizing, if necessary). If the problem involves a clash of viewpoints, it may in fact be character building for her to deal with differences of opinion in an open forum. In this case you may choose to help her review the facts to bolster her viewpoint or find someone who can provide the input she needs. Remember—it won’t hurt her to think through and defend what she believes.

Think carefully before you demand or choose to have her opt out of a controversial activity. This may seem a noble gesture on your part, but it might generate a lot of unnecessary ridicule from peers. For example, if someone gives a skewed presentation on sexual behavior (stressing condom use over abstinence), it may be appropriate for her to hear it—and then have an open discussion and review at home afterwards. This may also be a starting point for you to influence the future curriculum in a more positive direction. On the other hand, if you have advance warning that extremely offensive material is going to be used, exercise the opt-out choice—and then work diligently to change what happens next year.

If it looks as though the situation is out of hand (for example, your teenager is obviously upset, developing physical symptoms, or doesn‘t want to go to school because of the pressure) or the deck is stacked (points and grades in the class appear to depend on agreement with a teacher’s ideology), you’ll need to enter the arena.

Schedule an appointment with the teacher to get his or her perspective on the situation. Ask an open question: “Teresa seems to be having some problems in your class. I wonder what we can do to smooth things out?” If you begin with “Why are you picking on my daughter?” or “You’re out of line, and I’m taking this all the way to the school board!” there won’t be any discussion at all.

Perhaps you haven’t gotten the whole story. Maybe some evenhanded give- and-take on controversial issues has been encouraged, and your teenager didn’t present her views very well. If so, building bridges rather than lighting fires would be a better course of action.

If, however, it is clear that certain beliefs and viewpoints aren’t welcome or are subject to ridicule in the class, and friendly persuasion isn’t making any headway, you may have to pursue your teenager’s right to a hassle-free education. A meeting of other like-minded parents with the teacher in question, a conference with the principal, and if necessary, a transfer to another class may be appropriate. Your bottom line should not be a tirade that “this school is leading our youth down the road to ruin,” but rather the simple notion that school should be a neutral ground for mastering basic material, not pushing a specific social or political agenda.

You can’t spend all your time and energy trying to fend off potentially negative influences in your adolescent’s life. Aside from your own input, you will also want to identify several allies who can encourage your teenager to move in positive directions. These might include:

A relative (aunt, uncle, cousin, grandparent, or even a much older sibling) who shares your values. Someone older than your teenager but younger than you may connect well and not seem so old-fashioned.

A teacher, coach, youth pastor, or other person in an authority role who also deals effectively and constructively with areas that adolescents care about.

A physician, nurse, or counselor who has professional expertise and supports your value system. Someone with stature and authority can have a major impact on your teenager, especially if he or she has known her for a number of years. Since health exams—and potentially sensitive discussions—will be on the agenda during the next few years, find out if the physician or nurse-practitioner who may be involved is committed to the standards that you promote within your family.

A positive peer group. Even one friend who shares your adolescent’s values can help her resist a negative tide of peer pressure. A thriving church group can take her well beyond merely holding her ground and involve her in making a positive impact among her peers and in your community.

The parent of one of your teenager’s friends. Someone who doesn‘t have an emotional stake in your adolescent but shares your views on morals and behavior may be able to serve as a positive sounding board for topics that your teenager doesn‘t feel comfortable discussing with you.

Films, videos, or music with positive, affirming, or redemptive messages.

You should make every effort, without being too pushy or manipulative, to connect your adolescent with any and all of these resources. But remember, if your efforts are too blatant, your teenager may resist merely because it isn’t her idea.

More Help'n Tips: adolescent, class, doesn, material, positive, school, situation, someone, teacher, Teenager.

Trackback URI | Comments RSS

Leave a Reply