May 12 2008

Parental Survival Skills (Teenager Edition) continue…

Published by dodo at 10:19 pm under Adolescent, Books, Children, Education, Family, Parenting, Teenager

Are you nurturing your marriage?As you approach your child(ren)’s adolescent years, are you still on the same team as your spouse? Do you build one another up in front of the kids, or do you unleash verbal attacks for all to witness?

An intact, stable marriage in which affection and mutual respect are openly demonstrated is a valuable asset for raising teenagers. Adolescents learn volumes about relationships from watching interactions at home. When the teen weather is stormy, a united parental front will be very important in restoring calm and maintaining limits. There will be many occasions when one parent can help quiet a conflict between a teenager and the other parent—not by contradicting his or her mate but by supporting and reaffirming him or her. If either partner believes that your marriage needs a tune-up, by all means set aside whatever time is necessary to work with a counselor or pastor.

Are you thinking about walking out on your marriage?Do you think that this would be a good time to escape and start over, now that the kids are older and can “handle it better”?

Think again. With all the physical, emotional, and developmental changes of adolescence in full swing, losing a parent to divorce at this time is a major blow. No matter how skillfully you may offer reassurances that “things will be okay— in fact, probably better” or pledge your undying love and interest in your child’s life, with very rare exceptions a divorce will create a profound sense of loss and insecurity. All hands are needed on deck during these important years.’ If your marriage is in a preterminal condition, find a good counselor, roll up your sleeves, and get to work repairing it.

KidsIf you are bringing up one or more adolescents as a single parent, are you maintaining a healthy balance between love and limits? Are you overcompensating for the demands on your time, any lack of resources, or perhaps guilt over your marital situation by being too permissive or overly strict? Do you have a relative or good friend you can call upon to lend a hand when conflicts arise?

Rearing teenagers is a major undertaking for two parents and a far tougher assignment if you are on your own. Without the balance provided by another adult, you may find yourself drifting toward one or another extreme in your parenting style. You may need to be particularly careful about becoming so emotionally attached to your child that he or she becomes a surrogate spouse. This state of affairs is unhealthy for both of you.

If at all possible, enlist another mature person (such as a relative or perhaps a member of a support group) to spend time with your teenager. Someone who knows you and your child(ren) well can be particularly helpful in providing another vantage point if you reach an impasse with an adolescent.

Are you modeling behavior that you don’t want your teen to imitate? If you are asmoker, don’t be surprised if your daughter becomes one also. If you use alcohol on a regular basis, especially as a means to blow off steam or “party hearty,” your son may very well follow in your footsteps. If you believe that adolescent sex is no big deal as long as everyone is “protected” or if you carry on sexual relationships outside marriage, don’t expect your teenager to remain sexually abstinent.

The adage about actions speaking louder than words is the gospel truth with teenagers. If you’re going to talk the talk about health and morals, be prepared to walk the walk as well.

Show genuine interest and respect.

Adolescents despise being treated like little kids. They hate being talked down to. They bristle when orders are dished out and there’s no room for discussion. They shut down if they try to express a heartfelt thought and no one listens or someone ridicules it. More often than not, their tempers flare and feelings are hurt because of the way something is said—disrespectfully—rather than because of the actual issue.

In other words, they are just like adults.

Even though your teenager may be light-years away from grown-up maturity and responsibilities, you will build strong bonds and smooth your path over the next few years by talking to her as you would to another adult you respect. This, like anything else in life that is worthwhile, takes time and energy. Specific ways to build and maintain a relationship with your teenager include the following:

Take her out for a meal, one-on-one, on a regular basis.Ask questions about whatshe’s interested in and listen carefully to what she says.

Take advantage of common interests.Does he love to ski? Take some time off work and head for the nearest mountain that has snow and ski trails on it. Is she an avid movie- or theatergoer? Go with her and talk about what you’ve seen. Is he crazy about baseball? Take him out to a ball game and be sure to show up to watch if he’s on a team. Does she enjoy chess, Scrabble, or other games? Become a willing (but not too aggressive) opponent.

Ask your teen’s opinions about things going on in the world, your community, andyour family.If she says something that isn’t exactly well informed, don’t jump in and “straighten her out.” You can gently guide her in the right direction during the natural flow of conversation without making her feel like an idiot after opening up about her views.

When she wants to talk, put down the paper, turn off the TV, look her in the eyes, and pay attention.

Find things to praise—even when there’s always much more that you might criticize— and do it often.

If you commit a genuine offense—whether a stray comment that is sarcastic or hurtful, an action that causes your teenager genuine embarrassment or pain, or some other error in judgment—have the courage to apologize. If there has been an argument and both you and your adolescent have said things you later regret, you may need to be the first one to admit that you were wrong. You will not lose face by doing so, but instead you will gain great respect (although you may not hear about it until a few years have passed).

At unexpected times, express satisfaction or outright joy that she is your daughteror he is your son.If you have trouble with this, ask yourself why. It could be that you are breaking new ground here, modeling unconditional acceptance that wasn’t explicitly stated when you were growing up.

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Parental Survival Skills (Teenager Edition) continue…

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