All My Children

Some things that bother you may not be worth a major conflict with your teenager. Think carefully before starting a war over the following:

• A mess in his or her own room (unless the health department pays a visit). Remember: dirty-room syndrome is a self-limited and nonfatal illness.
• Length of hair
• Earrings (for either gender)
• Style of music
• Sound level of music
• Choice of everyday clothing
• Fast food
• Sleeping in when there’s not a specific need to arise for school or work
• How, when, and where homework is done—as long as it is getting done

On the other hand, there are a number of areas (some related to the list above) in which you will need to state your case and hold your ground, or at least have some family summit conferences to resolve your differences:

• A mess that is not confined to his or her room. Everyone who is old enough to walk and understand plain English needs to pick up his or her own clothes, trash, dishes, soft drink cans, and other debris. If you are constantly gathering up your teenager’s (or one or more friends) stuff from every room, its time for retraining. Let everyone (including your spouse, if needed) know that you have resigned from unpaid janitorial duties. Furthermore, after one or two reminders, valuables will be confiscated for an unspecified period, and trash may end up in the owner’s bed. You can declare your intentions humorously, of course, but be sure to follow through.
• Extreme alterations of hair. A heart-to-heart talk is in order if your adolescent plans to adopt a totally bizarre hairstyle (such as giant green spikes) that will blatantly announce to the world, “I don’t care what anybody thinks of me!” Important issues of acceptance and rejection lie below the surface of outlaw or alien appearances and deserve thoughtful exploration rather than ridicule.
• Body piercing. Aggressive body piercing (nose, tongue, navel, etc.) should be discouraged, perhaps with a reminder about respecting and valuing one’s body as well as a check on the current status of peer pressure. In addition, if an infection arises from any of this hardware, removing it can be quite uncomfortable.
• Tattoos. Despite a rising acceptance of “body art” in many circles, your adolescent needs to know that it is extremely unwise to do anything with permanent physical consequences when his life is in a state of flux. This is particularly important if he seems intent on embedding negative or offensive images in his skin. It will cost him a lot of money and discomfort if he wants them removed later on, which is likely. He should also be aware that infections such as hepatitis B or HIV can be spread by contaminated tattoo needles. A makeshift “tattoo parlor” in a friend’s garage should be avoided. Tell him that he can have all the tattoos he wants—after he is eighteen and living on his own. By then his interest in body alterations may well have passed.
• Content of music.

• Sound level of music. If your adolescent’s music is keeping everyone at home (or the entire neighborhood) awake at night, or if you can hear it across the room— when he’s wearing headphones—you will need to insist that the volume come down. Ongoing exposure to extremely loud noise can cause permanent hearing loss.
• Choice of everyday clothing. If garments contain images or words that are violent or offensive, they don’t belong on your adolescent. You will also need to veto female attire that is blatantly sexually provocative.
• Extremes in food choices—either excessive or limited in variety or amount. Obesity in adolescence is not only a social issue but may set in motion lifelong health problems. Anorexia and bulimia are obsessions with food that can have very serious consequences as well. In a nutshell, being extremely overweight tends to create medical trouble later in life; anorexia can literally be lethal in a few months. Both deserve focused attention and help from your health-care provider. Anorexia may require psychiatric hospitalization because it can be very difficult to treat.

• Toxic friends.
• Tobacco, alcohol, and street drug use.
• Sexual activity.

• Disappearing. In any home it is a common courtesy— and may be critically important in an emergency—for family members who live under the same roof to be notified of each other’s whereabouts. Your teenager needs to understand that this doesn’t mean you’re treating him like a child. It is childish and irresponsible to take off for hours at a time—especially at night—without keeping the home front posted. If he’s going to be at a friend’s house for the evening, it’s not unreasonable for you to get a name and number. If he’s going to go somewhere else, you need to know the destination.

As he progresses through high school, let himknow that you intend to give him more latitude about the time he is expected home, if he is trustworthy in this area. Remind him that this expectation applies to everyone in your home, parents included.

• Disrespectful comments and actions. Much has been said earlier about treating your adolescent with respect. The same should be expected of his behavior toward you. This does not mean that he isn’t allowed to disagree with you or even become angry. In fact, there may be times when he is quite upset with you and perhaps for good reason. He needs to know that you are willing to hear his point of view on anything, even if he is angry, as long as he says it respectfully.

Occasionally a comment uttered in the heat of battle, a roll of the eyes, or a door that closes a little too hard will strike you as inappropriate. It may not have been deliberate, but you need to let him know how it came across and suggest other ways for him to make his case.

If you are definitely on the receiving end of sarcastic or even abusive language—or you hear it being dished out to your spouse—you need to bring the conversation to an immediate halt. Explain as calmly as possible that the issue now is no longer whatever you were talking about but the unacceptable way in which the ideas are being expressed. You may get a blank stare, and you may need to spell out what you found objectionable. If there is an appropriate retraction, you can proceed—and you will have provided an object lesson for your adolescent in how to handle issues later in life.

If your teenager will not back away from comments that are out of line or the problem escalates, more drastic action will be necessary.

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